People have probably made jokes about menstruation since woman/mankind had a sense of humor. Send in your jokes, cartoons, etc.
|
See also Humor in Advertising. LINKS to this site BELOW Leer la versión en español de los siguientes temas: Anticoncepción y religión, Breve reseña - Olor - Religión y menstruación - Seguridad de productos para la menstruación.CONTRIBUTE to Humor,
Words and expressions about
menstruation and Would
you stop menstruating if you could?
|
From an e-mailer: This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, Unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'. Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always, **** **** Austin , TX Read responses to Would you stop menstruating if you could? And in 1927 famous efficiency expert and subject of the book and movie Cheaper by the Dozen Lillian Gilbreth recommended to Johnson & Johnson that it add a woman to its menstrual products staff. Read a Norwegian joke about wings. ......................................................................... From a different e-mailer: When I was young, about 13, we were not allowed to use tampons as my parents felt we were too young to use them when we first got our periods. My first experience came when we were on a camping holiday and I wanted to spend the day at the beach without worrying that I would leak and could not wear a pad with my bathing suit, so I was given permission to use one. After buying the box, I had to insert the tampon while in the outhouse, as there were no washrooms in this very rustic campground. It was so dark that I had difficulty reading the instructions and performing the procedure with which I was unfamiliar. [I'm glad she didn't try to use this tampon.] I first opened one and took it apart to figure it out. I remember thinking I would never get it to work. Finally, the third attempt was successful. This meant it took me a while longer than I or anyone else expected. I finally emerged to find a line up at the door to the outhouse. I had been so occupied that I heard nothing of the people waiting for their turn to use the facilities. Before I could get away one of the men said, "You took so long that we thought you'd died in there. We were just about to break the door down." Needless to say, I was very embarrassed and kept my head down as I rushed away without comment. Desperately hoping that none of them would recognize me on the beach and realize what my predicament had been. When I was teen girl I had a male friend who came to me and my g/f one day with a fake cigarette, perched in his fingers and twiddling it like Charlie Chaplin might do with a cigar. after closer inspection if it i found that he was actually holding the applicator of a tampon! I asked him where he found that!? he said, on the back of the toilet. Oh my goodness. That should have been his first clue to question its existence and placement. "Here's a few gems on heavy flow days, all original," writes the contributor:
All things considered
Burglar-proof:
She writes, "I wanted to pass along this geeky period comic, which I didn't see on your humor page: http://xkcd.com/594/ " I got a story here for your humor section!
Stories serious and funny:
The contributor of the below story writes, "My own father, if I dare even mention my period (even saying 'that time of the month') assures me that he doesn't want to know and all but sticks his fingers in his ears. . . . Since these sort of details seem of interest to your site, my mum is actually English-born herself, and grew up right after the war as the youngest of four (three of them girls). Being poor, she had told me that they often couldn't afford sanitary napkins, and her mother would rip up sheets for them to use when they were on their periods. The sheets didn't absorb well, and had to be changed often, but then, it seems they didn't have much choice."
The contributor writes "the picture says it all": http://myfirstfail.com/2009/09/30/funny-baby-photos-these-are-my-ever-dry-deadly-claws/
|
The only other woman on my crew was in her 40s and used to drive a coal truck. One day one of the guys she worked with stuck a dildo with a suction cup on the end to the back of her truck and she drove around like that for several hours, not knowing what passers-by were cackling at. When she figured it out she was humiliated so she carefully plotted her revenge. A few days later she made a batch of homemade pepperoni rolls (a regional West Virginia food, but basically a bread roll with pepperoni baked inside of it) Anyway, she used sticks of pepperoni and rolled the dough around it she made a special one, however, for the prankster. She got an unused tampon and soaked it in soy sauce and red food coloring and baked it inside, string and all. The next day she took the rolls to work with her and she made sure the guy got one of the real ones before taking the tampon-filled roll. The whole crew was sitting around during lunch when he bit into that roll he sunk his teeth into it and when he pulled his hand away the tampon stayed in his mouth but the bread pulled away leaving a used-looking tampon and string dangling from his mouth. He vomited and none of the guys ever picked on her again.
My two-year-old daughter was terribly quiet one afternoon. I went to check on her and she had pulled out two unopened packages of maxi pads, opened them, pulled off the protective covering from the adhesive strip and had them all over the walls and vanity in the bathroom. "'Tickers mommy, BIG 'tickers!" she cried with a huge grin on her face!
Next:
My three-year-old neighbor, Stephanie, went to the grocery store with her daddy to fetch mommy some tampons. Mind you, we live in a town of only a few hundred people. As they approached the only cash register in the store, Stephanie clearly and loudly stated, "My mommy puts these in her 'gina!"
[She added] You got to be careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there. - Yogi Berra
This joke is really true. I was really embarrassed. I was 9 at the time.
I had just learned about menstruation. My mom also showed me where she keeps her pantiliners just in case it happens. I decided to practice with one of them (pantiliners). So, I put one on. At that time, I wanted to pee. So I thought that you could pee in it. So I peed. Then it started to leak on my leg and in my head, I was saying, "Oh-no!" All of a sudden my mom burst in to the bathroom and started laughing when she realized what I did. Now, I understand what pantiliners are for.
A male friend once asked me if girls get turned on when inserting tampons.
My response: ew!!
I love your Website, by the way. I was wondering how I should cite it for a research paper I'm writing.
I heard this joke from a woman once.
One day, a man walks into a bar and sees a sexy woman who interests him. He goes over to her and says, "Hey baby, I love you! Let's start fooling around." The woman says "I'm sorry, I can't. I'm on my menstrual cycle." So the man then says, "Well, don't worry, I have a Honda - I'll follow you."
Three boys are sitting on the stoop on a summer's afternoon. One of their fathers, exasperated that the kids are just sitting around, gives them five bucks and tells them to go amuse themselves. As they walk down Main Street they debate what they should do with the money. Should they buy a deck of cards? A football? Play in the arcade? "Wait a sec!" says one of the boys as he runs into the drug store. "Wait here!" A few minutes later he comes out with a package of tampons. "You idiot!" his friends shout. "We were going to have some fun. What are we going to do with those?"
"Look what it says right here on the box," the boy replies: "'You can go horseback riding, you can go swimming . . . .'"
How do you now that the barwoman doesn't like you?
The string in the bloody mary.
All blokes in Australia know what sanitary napkins are: man hole covers.
Apparently, a few years ago, one of the sanitary towel firms started advertising in Poland. Unfortunately they used a straight translation of their English slogan, and ended up exhorting the Poles to "Fly to work on your sanitary towel!"
Also, further to all the stories of little boys unknowingly playing with tampons, when I was eleven I had to make a mobile for a school project. My mum suggested I use the cardboard tubes from applicator tampons for the structure, and they worked very well!
A frequent Swedish contributor sends
this link for men: http://www.helpmemisterwizard.com/
|
"You have on your Web site:
How do you know when an elephant has its period?
There's a nickel on your nightstand and your mattress is missing!
"That's the first part of a three-part joke that's v-e-r-y politically incorrect."
Part 2:
What do elephants use when they can't find a mattress? A pygmy.
Part 3:
How did Albert Schweitzer die? He was mistaken for a pygmy.
[Schweitzer was a famous doctor who lived and practiced in Africa.]
Guy, chatting online: Want to have virtual sex with me?
Girl: I'm sorry, I really can't.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: I have my virtual period.
A girl goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong me."
"Why?" asks the doctor.
I used to work at a factory where you had to be at least 18 years of age to work there. Most of the women there were over the age of 25 and nearly all of them were mothers. (This little fact will be important as you read on.) I usually have my own set of "supplies" in my locker. These would include cough drops, lip balm, Tylenol, change for the pay phone and vending machines, and of course, tampons.
Well, one day I didn't have any since I forgot to restore my stash so I decided to get one from the vending unit in our restroom. To my horror these little items were smaller than the earplugs we wore because of the noise inside the shop! And to think about it, it would be nice to have a string in case you happened to lose an earplug! [Sounds like o.b.]
For many years I worked as a writer and performer for a New York City-based producer of shows for major corporations. One year we had Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kotex, as a client. A group of us were sitting around working on ideas for their upcoming internal (no pun intended) sales meeting.
Our funniest, and fastest minded member of our group suddenly said, "We open with ten guys in black face, riding bikes and playing banjos." We all fell silent and looked at him with large question marks appearing over our heads. After a perfectly timed silence he said, "We introduce them as "The Menstrual Cyclists!"
[The word play is on "minstrel," of course, which in the U.S.A. was usually a white man with a blackened face, imitating an African-American, who entertained in a group of men similarly made up. It was most popular during the 19th century, one group being the Original Christy Minstrels, upon which a modern group based its name: the New Christy Minstrels. See incredible sheet music of their songs in the Johns Hopkins University library - for example, this mind-bending example, which features a picture of a minstrel.]
I used to describe my first wife by saying, "She doesn't have periods. She has exclamation points!"
As I have mentioned, I've worked with a live animation process for many years, doing shows for major corporations. Once, during a show for Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kotex, I did something I had resolved never to do - I stole a line from another performer. I had heard this line years ago at a show at Chicago's [famous] Second City Improv troupe, and it was just so perfect to use here, that I couldn't resist.
There was no way to change it, to make it mine. I just stole it virtually word for word. I hereby make some small amends, and give them full credit for the concept and the words in the following line.
We were using a little old lady character, named Millie, to represent today's modern feminine hygiene consumer. In her conversation she was having with one of the Kimberly-Clark vice presidents, she says,
I can still remember when my mother first had that woman-to-woman talk with me. She took me on her knee, and said, "Millie, very soon a beautiful, wondrous, marvelous thing is going to happen to your body. It's called THE CURSE!
At another point she was reminiscing about the early days of feminine hygiene products.
Oh, sure, I remember what it was like . . . with all the belts, and snaps and buckles and suspenders. It was like being in traction five days a month!
A recipient of this picture, who later forwarded it to me, wrote, "Many, many, MANY years ago, when I sent my husband to the store for a Kotex belt, he came back with a leather belt that matched nothing in my closet."
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a wounded mama bear seeing her little one attacked?
Well, the bear is more docile.
A vampire dies and goes to see God, who asks, "I am going to reincarnate you as an animal. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a bat. One day, it's spotted by a farmer, who takes out his gun and shoots it. God says, "Back so soon? What do you want to be this time?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a mosquito and flies around preying on people. One day, one of its victims smacks it and it dies. Annoyed, God says, "You again! You can't be an animal this time, it's too much trouble. I'm going to make you an inanimate object. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
God turns him into Kotex with wings.
Physics teacher: . . . so if the length of the pendulum string is X, and the acceleration due to gravity is g, how long is a period?
Boy: Twenty-eight days.
Hoe krijg je een hek in één dag rood? Laat je moeder erop zitten.
Pretty good joke, huh? OK, let's go to the next one. Oh, here's her translation:
How do you get a fence red in one day? Let your mother sit on it.
Genie: You may have three wishes!
Man: I would like to have the most beautiful wife ever, I want to be rich beyond belief, and I want to be hung like my horse over there.
Genie: You're wish is my command. Go to sleep and when you wake, you're wishes will have come true.
The man slept and when he awoke, he was happy to see a large mansion surrounding him and a beautiful woman lying in the bed. Being a man, he of course began undressing. After removing his boxers, he screamed in agony because he had forgotten that he was riding the mare that day.
When do hockey players have sex?
Between periods.
Why do hockey players go to the dressing room between periods?
They need to change their pads.
A black man finds a magic lamp and rubs it. Out pops a genie, and tells the black man he can have three wishes.
He thinks for a while and finally says, "I want to be white, uptight, and out-of-sight."
Poof, he's a tampon!
[The joke appears in other forms in the stories way below.]
A young couple was driving through the country and the man asked his girlfriend if they could stop for a little afternoon romance.
The girlfriend said, "We should wait until were married. Besides, I'm on my period and I don't want to kiss a man chewing a plug of tobacco."
Finally the man talked her into it, and they stopped beside the road and wandered into the grassy field. He agreed to take his plug of tobacco out and placed it on a nearby stump. She took off her pad and also placed it on the stump for safe-keeping.
Later, driving down the country road, the young women said, "I don't think we should have done that. My crotch has been burning real bad ever since."
The man said, "I would have to agree. I have been spitting blood the last ten miles."
As a little girl I was very creative and liked to make things out of whatever I could find around the house. One day when I was six or seven I was rummaging around the bathroom and I came across something that seemed to make the perfect little purse. I had found one of my mother's maxi pads, opened it up, discarded the pad, attached a string to the plastic tri-fold wrapper, and slung it over my shoulder. I walked around the house with it for a while before my mother noticed me and burst into fits of laughter. I couldn't figure out what was so funny and why she wouldn't let me carry my little purse to school!
Here's one for those who did pay attention to their Latin lessons:
Why is "PMS" mostly used abbreviated?
Well,
p as in"prae"
p as in"post"
p as in "peri"
(for those who did not pay attention in school: prae = before, post = after, peri = around, while)
My sister's daughter walked in on her when she was inserting a tampon and she ran out of the room saying, "Daddy, Daddy, mum has a mouse hanging out of her."
Poor thing thought the string was a tail!
If a tampon is worn on the inside, why are they called tamp-ons and not tamp-ins?
Two female elephants are lying by the pool. One says to the other, "Do you want to come for a swim?"
"No, I can't, I've got my period."
"Oh, that's ok, why don't you use a sheep like I do?"
My sister and I have different ways of talking to our young children about the "facts of life." I try to answer all questions as honestly as possible, and my sister completely avoids such questions.
One day while I was babysitting her, my four year old niece came out of the bathroom and, somewhat concerned, told me "There's blood in the toilet." I quickly realized I had forgotten to flush, and replied "Oh...that's mine."
"What is it?" my niece asked, eyes wide.
Bracing myself for a discussion I was sure my sister was not going to appreciate, I took a deep breath, said "It's menstrual blood," and prepared myself for a barrage of questions.
My niece said "Oh," and walked off.
What is another name for a used tampon?
Vampire's tea bag
What lurks in the dark, has wings and sucks blood?
It's the new "Always ultra maxi pad."
My friend's nine-year-old daughter took a jumbo Kotex to school for show-and-tell and explained to the class that it was a large napkin.
[It IS actually, at least in America, where it's a "sanitary napkin." Funny expression, as if table napkins had nothing to do with sanitation.]
What do female meteorologists (weather forecasters) have?
Stormy periods!
I work in the Women's Clinic of a large public health department. One day during our regular staff meeting I complained that we had run out of "menstrual cards" - index cards printed with small calendars that women use to keep track of their menses. A co-worker, thinking she was being funny, remarked that "The Menstrual Cards" would be a great name for a Heavy Metal band.
I'd been waiting all my life for someone to hand me a straight line like that one, and dead-panned "Nope. They only play rag time."
A friend of mine had an idea for a Halloween costume. He thought he would wear a blue turtleneck and blue tights, paint his hands and face blue, and attach numerous tampons to himself. When asked what he was supposed to be, he would reply, "Why, Picasso's blue period, of course."
A sister-in-law [of this joke contributor] was explaining menstruation to her pre-menstrual little girl.
"All women do it," she said. "There's nothing wrong with it, nothing to be frightened of, . . ."
Suddenly her daughter burst into tears. Her mother asked her what was wrong.
The little girl sobbed: "I don't know how to do it and I'll never learn."
Herve Villachaize [the tiny actor] was a very smart investor and a compassionate man as regards people of his . . . stature.
With many of his million$ he not only built very nice residential conclaves specifically for his fellow dwarf/midget actors less fortunate than he, but he also allowed them to live, for life, in these little to-scale places at no cost to them.
They
came
to
be
known
as ...
"Stay-free mini-pads."
A late friend of mine once stated that a sanitary napkin is the next best thing to the greatest thing in the world.
Woman (to companion): Do you know anything about antiques?
Companion: No, why?
Woman: Because I have this tampon, and I don't know what period it's from!
1.) Why did the blonde jump off the bridge? She thought her maxi-Pad had wings!!
2.) A blonde went to the bathroom and when she came back, she couldn't find her pencil. All she could find was her tampon stuck behind her ear!
Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? She thought she could fly because her pantyliners had wings.
Where would you be if you were not conceived? At the top of a tampon.
1. This first one is not strictly about menstruation but is still probably closely related.
Q. What's red and slimy and crawls up a woman's leg?
A. A homesick abortion.
I think when I first heard this joke I was in late grade school and barely knew what an abortion even was.
2. This one has the extra bonus of possibly being religiously offensive on top of its general ickiness.
Things were going along OK in the Garden of Eden until Eve got her first period. Adam freaked - she was *bleeding,* for heaven's sake - but Eve told him not to worry, she had expected it, and off she went to deal with it.
Adam was still pretty upset, so he had a talk about it with God.
"God," he says anxiously, "Eve is bleeding! I'm really worried there's something wrong!" So God explains everything to Adam, how this is perfectly normal, a sign of Eve's ability to bear children, and so on.
So Adam finally calms down, and then God looks around and says, "Hey, Adam, where is Eve anyway?" Adam says, "Oh, I think she went down to wash in the stream."
"The stream?" says God. "DAMN, I just finished getting rid of that fishy smell!"
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" [There are variations of this in the humor below.]
One day I decided to wear a really skimpy skirt to impress my guy - and of course I had to wear a thong. It was the last day of my period, so I decided to use one of those new thong panty liners [see what I think is the original one, from Sweden]. My best friend snuck up behind me and gave me a gigantic wedgie [um, it's when someone jams a hand or finger between the buttocks, forcing clothing to remain there]. The thong broke and my panty liner fell on the floor in front of everyone, including my guy! Later that day he came up to and told me he just wanted to be "friends."
This happened a couple of years ago when I was a temp at a large corporation.
Ah, yes, I remember it well. The year was 2000. The day was well, I don't recall what day it was, but it was at least the second day of my menstrual cycle, and I had some feminine hygiene products to refresh. On this particular day at that particular moment, I took a break from my cube to do just that. Trying to make the best use of my time, I hurried as quickly as I could down the hall to the nearest restroom and slipped into the stall closest to the wall. I had brought with me a new Maxi (with wings!) and was all ready to make the switch when I noticed something missing from the stall's wall. Where was the silver box? You know what I'm talking about, ladies. The silver box in which to deposit the older feminine hygiene products. All stalls in women's restrooms have one. But it wasn't there! And without the silver box's flat surface, I had no place to rest the unused pad while I prepared for, um, installation. Except for the top of the round toilet paper dispenser, that is.
With a little determination and some balancing skills, I managed to prop the pad on top of the wheel-shaped dispenser where it would wait until I was ready for it. Just one problem, though: it didn't stay. Yes, the still-wrapped pad slipped onto the floor and glided oh-so-delicately into the stall next to mine just as someone else entered that stall and sat down. You can imagine my horror. Rather than invade my neighbor's privacy by reaching under the wall, however, I decided I'd wait to retrieve my prize until after she left. Never in my life have I waited so long for someone else to answer nature's call! After what seemed like hours, she finally finished her business, flushed and kicked my little tool back into my space without a word.
"Oh, thank you!" I piped cheerfully, trying to conceal my embarrassment. One would expect a "You're welcome" or even a "No problem, that happens to me all the time" in return, but, no, she remained silent and wordlessly exited the restroom.
"Jeeze!" I thought, as I completed my transaction. "How rude was that?"
It wasn't until I finished my business and left the stall that I realized why my friendly neighbor had not been so friendly after all. And why there wasn't a silver box in my stall. And why there were urinals along the wall in place of full-length mirrors.
Yes. I was in the men's room. This would also explain why the person who had previously occupied the stall next to mine had such big feet.
"Toscanini pesters [Ada] Mainardi ['the wife of a prominent Italian cellist . . . . {and} thirty years younger than Toscanini'] about sending clippings of her pubic hair ('tiny flowers') and a handkerchief (his euphemism is 'holy shroud') stained with her menstrual blood. 'And the little red handkerchief?' he writes. 'Since I can't quench my thirst directly at the delightful fount, I'm hoping for the surrogate. Don't forget.'"
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
Next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.
He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!!"
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
"In the early 70's my (twin) sister and I used to crack each other up with, 'Hang Loose, Mom Goose, your rags are dripping tomato juice.'"
Three little boys were walking down the street when they came upon a five-dollar bill. They could not think of the way to split the money evenly, so they decided to share it by buying something they could all enjoy.
The first boy said, "Let's go to the movies."
The second one said, "The movies cost two dollars a piece, we're still short one dollar. We should buy some candy instead."
The third one said, "If we spend the money on candy, it'll rot our teeth and our mothers will get angry. Why don't we stop at the drug store and buy a box of tampons?"
The first boy said, "Tampons are for GIRLS!"
The second boy said, "Why should we buy tampons?"
The third boy replied, "Because I saw on television that with tampons you can go swimming and horseback riding and . . . ."
The next mandatory HHS initiative is slated for October. Titled "It's Perfectly Natural," the program will address the topic of menstruation.
"We'll be giving out free Kotex sanitary napkins and tampons, and showing the 1973 film Donna, You're Not Alone," Krasnow said. "And if you men out there think you're exempt from attending, think again. We'll be holding a concurrent, men-only talk about what to expect from puberty. And let's refrain from the giggling, shall we?"
"And that November [1992] it was revealed that [Prince] Charles had been recorded having a . . . chat with Camilla Parker Bowles. Long intrigued by the transmigration of souls, Charles saw himself reborn as 'God forbid, a Tampax,' so that he could 'just live inside your trousers.' . . . You could listen to Charles saying, 'I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out . . . particularly in and out.' Then you could listen to Diana saying, 'Bloody hell, after all I've done for this fucking family.'"
Have you heard that new womens radio station yet?
WPMS. They play the blues for three weeks then they raga for a week.
Here's a joke. Doesn't work in English, though:
- Is the word "telephone" masculine or feminine?
- It's masculine.
- What, with all those periods?
In Portuguese, "telephone" is indeed masculine but "period" is also used to describe telephone impulses.
Another one that does work in English:
A girl has her first period while she's in the school playground. Since she has no idea what it is, she shows it to a boy. He looks at it, then looks her in they eyes and says "Well, it's pretty obvious, innit? Someone cut your willy."
And an old one I didn't find in your page:
- Why do tampons have strings?
- So cooties can go bungee-jumping!
A married woman is having an affair. One day while she and her lover are in her bedroom, she hears her husband's car pulling up in the driveway.
Panicking, she shoves her boyfriend into the spare bathroom and bolts the door. Unfortunately for the boyfriend, the husband doesn't leave again for a couple of days. When he does, the woman opens the bathroom door and asks her lover if he's all right.
He says, "The light bulb burned out, so i couldn't see, but I'm okay."
She says, "You must be awfully hungry."
He says, "I'm fine. I found some bread and jam in the rubbish bin."
When my husband was a young boy, he and his
brothers one day discovered their mother's tampons. After
inspecting theses newly discovered devices, they promptly
decided to play "WAR!" with them. My husband says they
commando-crawled around on their bellies, ripped the paper
from the tubes, "lit" the fuses and lobbed them at each other
like sticks of dynamite! When his mom arrived home to find her
sons rolling around their front yard littered with tampons,
the crap really hit the fan. Because of this wonderful story,
I call tampons "dynamite," and the code for my period around
here is, "I'm packin' dynamite!"
What do they do with used tampons ?
They make chewing gum for vampires !
Q. How do you know when Barbie is on her periods?
A. One of your Tic-Tacs is missing.
See, my dog (as all other dogs) loves picking stuff out of the rubbish to play with. Sometime last year, my cousin and his girlfriend were over at my place just hanging out and once again, I caught the dog with a folded piece of paper. So I called her over, usual reprimand and took the piece of paper from her (the dog). Squeezing it, I thought it was curiously spongy, so I walked into the lounge with it in my hand going, "Hmmm, what's this the dog has been chewing on?" (It honestly didn't occur to me!) Everyone else were equally puzzled and I was about to open the package when my cousin's girlfriend screamed and ripped it out of my hands, totally red-faced!! I've never been able to look at her with a straight face ever again.
Just sign me off as "A guy, of course."
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white mark on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mum fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
What should you do if your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it down and tampon it!
What's red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.
[Sanitary towel means sanitary napkin in several countries, including the United Kingdom.]
Hi,
Have you ever considered a museum display with items labeled "From the Renaissance Period."
What's the definition of Blood, Sweat, and Tears (they were a rock group in the 1960s/70s)?
A woman standing at a Kotex machine with a bent dime.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
"Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!!
[The story sounds vaguely familiar and it may already be on these pages, but I err on the side of caution.]
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada employee."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie's right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
**POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!
If your pads have wings, do you qualify for frequent flyer miles?
I wish to pass on a story that my family periodically embarrasses my sister with.
My sister was all of four, or five, when my father came home one day to find her sliding quite skillfully across the marble floor of the hall in her bare feet. When questioned, she showed him her new "slippers" that she had discovered under the sink in my parent's bathroom. She had peeled the backing off the adhesive on the Kotex pads and stuck them to her feet!
Why don't hunters trust women?
Because they don't trust anything that bleeds for four days and doesn't die.
Three tampons are walking down the street - which one can you talk to?
None of them - they're all stuck up cunts!
[In America, "stuck-up" can mean "feeling too self-important to talk to perceived inferiors." "Cunt" is slang for "vagina," but also vulgar language for "woman" or "girl."]
The E-mailer's story:
One day I was thumbing through a Polish dictionary and a word jumped out at me. Pussy! And then I read the Polish word and it is Kotek (so I guess the plural is kotex). Anyway, attached below is a poster I did and I would like you to put it on your Web site (if you could). I contacted Kimberly-Clark (right below) and they ignored me! I even sent them a hard copy:
Subject: Kotex
I found, in a Polish dictionary, a definition of the word "kotex," and guess what? It means "PUSSY"! I find this insulting and degrading to women.
["Pussy" is an American vulgar term for the female genitals.]
[Go to the right-hand column.]
Then I got this email from "Evelyn."
Dear [name withheld],
As mentioned in our previous e-mail, your comments were forwarded to the appropriate area.
You may be interested to know that KOTEK and KOCIAK mean "kitten," which is a baby cat. KOTEK is different from the word "KOTEX®" (which was named for cotton texture).
We appreciate the opportunity to respond to your concerns.
Evelyn
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Baby cat and kitten, my eye. I was in a bank one day showing the poster to someone and I live in a Russian neighborhood. A Russian man walked by and saw the poster and almost fell down from laughing. It's a dirty joke in Polish, Russian, German and Austrian!!!!
My niece was only ten when she got her first period. My sister had previously spent time with her reviewing the facts of life.
When her time came, my sister gave her a box of pads to use. The next day my niece asked my sister to buy new pads. When questioned as to why, my niece replied they "hurt too much."
My sister had my niece show her how she was using the pads. It appears my niece was pulling off the strip of paper and placing the sticky side up against her vagina as apposed to her underwear. Everytime she went to the bathroom, she pulled the pad off her pubic hair. OUch!!
My sister told me of the story of when she was changing her tampon and her young son (about two years old) saw her doing it.
Later on she found her son trying to find a place to put a tampon for his own use.
The guy was so dumb that he thought a sanitary belt was a shot of whiskey in a clean glass.
At a small college faculty meeting the president turned to the chairman of the physical education department.
"Anything new in you department, Bill?"
"Yes, we've arranged for a representative of Tampax Corporation to give talks to our health education classes periodically."
(The poor guy later asked why everyone laughed.)
Here's a true story which I would like to contribute to this section. I was at a gymnastics practice on April 7 when this happened.
We were taking a short break.
One girl offered, "Anybody want to play with a tampon? It's super-absorbent."
Her eleven-year-old friend said yes. She pushed it through the tube, while the girl sitting next to her told her how it was used.
The girl who had the tampon took it over to the sink.
"Let's see how super-absorbent it really is!"
She wetted it under the sink, thinking it would make a nifty swab.
She held onto the string, and scoffed,"Ah, this thing's stupid!" She swung it around on the string, letting go. It hit the wall above her head, and it stayed there until April 28.
The girl who initiated it with the offer gave her a pad.
"Anybody have their period? Anybody have a bleeding cut?" she asked, longing to get some menstrual fluid on it.
One girl had hers that day. The eleven year-old wanted to get something on there. She had cherry juice, so she poured it on the pad and stuck it to the wall. Nobody ever noticed, but we took the pad down. We never got in trouble, but if we'd left the pad up, we would have gotten in trouble. On April 28, someone pulled it off the wall. It landed in a basket of dumb bells. Someone pulled it out of there and threw it away. Part of it is still on the wall, becoming really fuzzy. We still find this very funny, and at every practice, it is something that we discuss and laugh about, thinking about the how we were so close to getting in trouble that it wasn't even funny.
Q - There was no fighting allowed during the women's hockey game, but there was still plenty of blood on the ice at the end. Why was that?
A - Because there were three periods in the game!
I must confess that I was inspired to do this joke as a result of one I heard during my adolescent days (1960s or early 1970s):
Q - Why is the schoolhouse red?
A - You would be, too, if you had seven periods a day!
"Periods" for times allocated to school classes or other activities, such as lunch, is a word used in the U.S.A. I don't know if it's used elsewhere. [At least three other countries use it: Germany, Portugal and Spain. See the "words and expressions" page.)
How do you know that an elephant is on her period?
Your mattress is missing and there's a dime on your dresser.
Why don't midgets wear tampons?
They keep tripping on the strings.
The scene is a hospital. A man is dying. The relatives are all creeping around the bed trying to get him to sign the will, but he is in a coma. They tiptoe out, leaving the young night-nurse in charge, and telling her to give him anything he wants but just to make sure he is alive to sign the will in the morning.
She sits down self-consciously with her science-fiction magazine and a glass of coffee, and prepares for a long night. About three in the morning the man stirs, moans and sits up.
"Nurse," he says, "nurse! I'm dying!"
"Now, it's all right, sir. Just lie back and be quiet. Everything is going to be all right."
"No," he says, "you can't fool me. I'm dying. I know it."
"Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable, sir?" says the nurse.
He stares at her, and she comes into focus before his bleary eyes: young and pretty and plump.
"Yes," he breathes, "there is something you can do for me. I've always said I'd go down on a woman before I died, and this is my last chance. What about it?"
The nurse is embarrassed.
"I wish you hadn't asked me that," she says; "I just happened to be having my periods."
"What the hell do I care? I'll be dead by morning!"
We draw the veil here for a few hours.
Sunrise. The relatives come creeping back with the will, and peer into dying man's bed to see if he is in shape to sign it. Nobody in the bed. They search high and low, but can't find him, and rush to the phone to call the morgue. Suddenly they hear a noise in the bathroom. They fling open the door, and there is the man standing there at the sink in his pyjama pants, shaving, and whistling "Britons Never Never Will Be Slaves" (or "The Proud Fort of Kraznahorka").
"Aren't you dying?" cry the relatives.
"Dying?! One more transfusion like that, and I'll live forever!"
(New York, 1943, from a Hungarian.)
"Legman, a Freudian, adds, 'This is my favorite joke. Analyze away!'
"I think the reference to science fiction may be relevant, as Legman didn't like it. Some people I have told this joke to think it is brilliant, though others are a bit less enthusiastic; at any rate, it can be a good way of topping a series of "sick" jokes, though I don't really see that there's anything really disgusting about it. . . .
What did the mother vampire say to her children when she was on the rag?
Soup's On!!!!!!!!
Question, asked to a guy:
What do you do when you come home at night and the front door is painted red?
Answer:
Go in the back door.
I was having some good belly laughs about menstrual jokes when I ran across this on your humor page:
A male site visitor suggests this variation of a riddle located far down this page (or the next one - or the next):
Q: What's bloody, monthly and sings?
A: The New Christy Menstruals. [The New Christy Minstrels was a singing group in America during the 1970s, I believe.]
Yes, the New Christy Minstrels was a singing group all right. One of their big hits was - you're gonna love this - "Yellow River"!
Why does it take four premenstrual women to change a light bulb?
'CAUSE IT DOES, RIGHT?
This is a long-time favourite expression of mine:
I'm a really tough broad, I've been rolling my own tampons for years.
[This formed part of the end of her e-mail: If you're psychic, think "Honk"!]
After 10 days of delay even menstruation is a holiday.
Hi Harry,
What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
"You are the wind beneath my wings . . . ."
Silly!
I first heard this joke in a school cafeteria and shared by a bunch of ten-year-olds. The school context is important.
What's the definition of a period?
A waste of fucking time.
[Note to non-native English speakers: "Fucking," vulgar language for sexual intercourse, can also strengthen declarations - as above, in one sense - but not, please, in polite company. "Period" is the length of an-hour-or-so section of instruction during the day in a school below university level as well as meaning the menstrual period. Sorry to be pedantic.]
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings
What's the moral of this joke?
Don't wear red sweaters!
IT'S CALLED PMS BECAUSE MAD COW DISEASE WAS ALREADY TAKEN
WHO LIT THE FUSE ON YOUR TAMPON?!?
A woman went over to her girlfriend's house and said, "Sally, the drugstore has a new druggist and he can tell what your prescription is just by looking at you!"
So Sally walked over to the drugstore. The druggist looked at her and said, "You want suppositories, don't you?"
"No," said Sally. "I want tampons!"
"How far off was I?" said the druggist.
My sister, who resides in Washington, D.C., informed me that there is a popular new radio station there. She told me the call letters are WPMS, and the music format is as follows: for three weeks they play nothing but blues, but the fourth week they play ragtime.
Cleopatra to Marc Antony:
"Not tonight - I have my Pyramid"
Q: What's bloody, monthly and sings?
A: The New Christy Menstruals. [The New Christy Minstrels was a singing group in America during the 1970s, I believe.]
How can you tell when a blonde secretary has her period?
She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pen.
Q: What do you call a 6.9?
A: A beautiful thing ruined by a period
Q: What did elephants use to use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why did the elephants stop using sheep for tampons?
A: They heard about the toxic flock syndrome.
A woman from Slovenia sends these two "blonde jokes":
Why does a blond never change her sanitary pad?
Because it says "ALWAYS" on the box. [Always is the most popular brand of menstrual pad in the U.S.A.]
What does the blonde do when she menstruates?
Searches for the guy who shot her.
When I had only been menstruating for a little while, I was invited into town to see a movie. I put an applicator tampon into my bag because I wasn't sure when my period was due.
I arrived home later very grateful not to have needed it and with several lollies left over from the movies. Being as generous as I am I told my younger brother that he could have one lolly but he'd have to get it himself, then check with me.
To my mother's and my own amusement my bro pulled out the applicator tampon and said, "I'll have this one, it's the biggest!"
I had to explain his mistake and to top it off he dropped it with a look of horror and ran screaming from the room!
I broke my leg and had to use crutches, which was really hard and annoying; to make matters worse, I started my period. I went to the kitchen to throw away my pad (we keep a garbage can in the kitchen) and I dropped it on the floor and I couldn't bend over to get it, but "thankfully" my younger brother picked it up for me, saying"What is this?"
Here in Ontario, Canada, PMS means Putting up with Men's Shit!
The man calls out,
"The tent poll is up and the canvas is spread, to hell with breakfast, come
back to bed."
The wife calls back,
"Take the tent poll down, put the canvas away, the monkey's got a hemorrhage,
there will be no circus today."
MENtal breakdown
MENace
MENarche
MENdacious
MENingitis
MENtal retardation
MEN!!!
I had two younger brothers who crafted a wonderful fort out of all those perfect white tubes (tampon applicators) they found in the bathroom trash can. My mother almost had a stroke; thank heavens she always insisted we rinse the blood off them before we trashed them!
I had a cat who unwrapped unused tampons and carried them around like dead mice as often as she could get her paws on one. Imagine my delight the day I pulled one out from between the cushions of the couch while talking to my husband's best friend.
And one day, I was fresh out of the shower and drying my hair with my foot propped up on the commode, and (another) my cat jumped up and tried to yank out the string with his teeth! Glad for good muscle control at that moment. I kept the bathroom door shut after that!
A joke:
Q. Why did the woman wear a tampon when she went skydiving?
A. To keep the wind from from whistlin' right on through!
Recently a young lady streaked [ran naked through] a small southern town during a rain storm while having her period.
As she ran by a group of people, she heard one man say, "Is that a boy or a girl?"
"Oh, that was a boy," said another man and a Republican.
"How could you tell?" said the first man.
"The Bush campaign is in the red!"
Why did the tampons have bells on them?
For use during the festive period.
I saw the poem on your humor page that starts out the same as this one. The version that my friend sent to me [below] is considerably more crude, but I still found it funny.
Every day I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john [toilet]
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat like toys
You love them much more than we ever will
We'd much rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
Hi,
Keep up the good work!! I only hope this doesn't make too many of you out there go "yeeuuukkkk"!
There was a young vampire called Mable,
Whose periods were ever so stable,
On every full Moon,
She'd pick up a spoon,
and drink herself under the table.
I think I saw this in a University Rag Mag back in 1976/77.
Two men from Iowa were sitting at a bar, and the first guy says, "My wife is a CPA [certified public accountant] and she's good with money."
The second guys says, "That's nothing! My wife runs her own business. I only wish she were good with money, though.
"How so?" says the first man.
"Well, at that certain time of the month the wife's baby factory is always in the red!"
Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down, etc.
SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using female products - correct?
A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. (Insert Twilight Zone theme here.)
OK. A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (T.O.M.) [Time of Month, i.e., menstrual period] I go back to the cupboard, and VOILA! there is only ONE tampon left again.
What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.
WELL, I decided to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and LO and BEHOLD, at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.
I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????
I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind.
I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said, "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"
My 12-year-old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10-year-old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff, and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"
"NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!"
I am not sure if I am telling this right because I heard it from a friend. [!]
A little girl asked her teacher if she could go to the bathroom. A little boy went up to the teacher and said that it wasn't fair.
The teacher asked him why.
He told her because the girls get a candy dispenser in their bathroom!
Mr. Finley,
Here's a funny little incident that still provokes chuckles at family get-togethers.
When I was 12 and my younger brother was about eight, we were riding in the car with my mother. For some reason - maybe looking for candy or a pen - he started going through my mom's purse, which was on the seat next to him. He pulled out a tampon, still in its wrapper.
"What's this?" he asked, baffled.
My mom and I exchanged glances. I began to giggle, but finally she came up with an answer.
"It's a lady's cigar," she said.
Since my dad was a big cigar smoker and my brother had often seen him carrying those tube-shaped cigar containers, this answer made perfect sense to him. Eventually, mom did get around to explaining the facts of life to him, but I thought it was a pretty clever stall!
Feel free to use this story on your (fabulous!) Web site. But please don't use my name - to save my bro from embarrassment!
You site cracked me up. Anyhow, I noticed some of the humor referenced Polacks [an offensive term for people from Poland] and Aggies. In Texas, students from Texas A & M, called Aggies, are the butt of many a stupid joke. The same jokes are told in the northern states, except as Polack jokes.
Here is my story:
My wife to be was working at McDonalds, and during her shift they ran out of napkins. The quick-thinking manager sent one of the male employees to the grocery store to get enough napkins to hold them over until a delivery arrived later.
Unfortunately, the manager sent one of the foreign college students to the store. Not being too familiar with the nuances of the English language, the employee returned with several boxes of sanitary napkins. The sad thing was that the foreign employee had no idea why everyone was laughing.
To all the girls...
IT'S A GIRL THANG!
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
Can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
I can balance the checkbook,
pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just 'cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch!
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay. (Not Usually)
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's the best.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT MY FACE, NOT AT MY CHEST
I don't have a problem
Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling .
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
John goes to his friend's house on Saturday. He knocks on the door and his friend Hans opens.
Hans asks, "Hi, John, is your girlfriend having her period?"
John - quickly rubbing his face all over with his right hand - replies, "Can you see it??"
Harry,
I had to send you this one right away:
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks, "Bloody hell, what happened last night??"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, "What happened last night? Who was I with? Must have been a wild party."
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag!"
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you again in 28 days
One for the "bad taste" section (pun not intended) of your humor page:
Why do tampons have strings?
For people who floss after eating
I'm pretty new at this Web surfing, but I love your museum and found a news article on a site that would fit in perfectly on your site. It is here. Go to the Worst of the Web link and then the article about the woman who claims to have an image of Jesus on a light day sanitary pad. There is also a picture.
Keep up the great work!
Ten ways to know if you have PMS:
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he IS male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
What do you call subsidized housing for dwarfs?
Stay-Free Mini Pads
In Norwegian:
Alle barna hoppet i fallskjerm, unntatt Inger, hun brukte Libresse med vinger.
Translated:
All the children jumped with a parachute, except for Inger - she used Libresse with wings. [Libresse is a Scandinavian pad from the SCA Mølnlycke company. See more about the company on this site; here's the SCA Web site.]
There once was a girl who went to a school dance but knew that no one would ask her to dance. This is because she had enormous buck [protruding] teeth. So she stood against the wall along with all the other plain girls.
Well, lo and behold, this guy with a wooden eye gets up the courage to ask her to dance.
He shyly approaches her and says, "Would you like to dance?"
She is so overjoyed she says, "Would I?! Would I?!"
At which the man angrily replies,"Buck teeth! Buck teeth!"
I've visited your site several times and want to thank you for the great info you provide. I found a funny site about a guy who's wife has pms 365 days a year and breathes fire on him when she's angry.
How do you get a woman to pick cotton?
Light the string on fire.
I really don't know why I'm even surfing this site!! I'm one of the most uptight, conservative people there is, but for some reason, I'm reminded of a period joke.
It seems two hippies wanted to get married, and somehow figured that the best way to do this was to hire a minister. Well, during the pre-wedding interviews, the poor minister couldn't figure out which one was the woman for their long hair.
Hard as he tried, he just couldn't decide which of the couple was which. So he decided to just come right out and ask.
Very embarrassed, he asked the couple, "Which one of you shave their legs (a very common practice in North America)?" To which they both replied that they didn't.
Next the minister asked simply, "Which of you has the menstrual cycle?" One of the hippies turned to the other, "That must be you, I drive a Honda."
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," the doctor coaxed, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange. . . ."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change!"
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom."
Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
Nine-year-old: "Nope, not for my sister either."
Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine-year-old says, "They're for my four-year-old brother."
Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"
The nine-year-old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"
What's the best sanitary napkin for girls who go dancing?
Discotex.When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress is mad at you?
She leaves the string in.
Hi, Harry,
I just remembered this one from a dirty joke book I had when I was little (my mom used to let me buy these for some reason).
Why are women like clams?
Because you can't eat them during the red tide!
THE HOWL
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, Dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home-cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right? Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without your forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
FEELING FRESH
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . . ."
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM
The gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies' restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise NOT to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR."
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him.
The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button.
A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies' room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies' restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is the Automatic Tampon Remover.
"Your penis is under your pillow."
An old joke from the Sixties concerned a beatnik or hippie who had painted his one-room flat totally white with one blue stripe around the walls.
"Hey," his friends asked. "What's all this?"
"Yo," he replied. "It's my sanitary pad." (Pad was a Sixties hippie term for apartment.)
This has been a favourite joke of mine for over 40 years:
Did you hear about the cross-eyed seamstress? She couldn't mend straight.
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender walks up and says, "What can I get you guys?"
Two vampires say, "We'll take a Bloody Mary." The third vampire says, "I will have a cup of hot water." The bartender looks at him weirdly and says O.K.
The next night they come back to the same bar and order the same things, two Bloody Marys and one cup of hot water. The bartender still thinks that strange but doesn't say anything.
The next night they come in to the same bar. They order the same thing, two Bloody Marys and one cup of hot water. The bartender can't hold his curiosity anymore and asks the third vampire, "Why do you have a cup of hot water when your buddies have Bloody Marys"?
Then vampire opens his cape and pulls out a bloody tampon and says, "I like tea instead!"
I enjoyed your joke site immensely.
How about this one:
I think that the U.S. should allow women in combat ONLY when they have PMS. That way they would be able kill men, women, children, or anything else without any qualms.
Great site! I just went through part one of the humor section, and of course this joke is probably in part two or three, but here goes:
How do you know when an elephant has its period?
There's a nickel on your nightstand and your mattress is missing! [A nickel is five cents, a small amount of money in America.]
The version I learned was:
What's black and white and red all over?
A pregnant nun in the confessional.
Not menstrual related, but I still say it's funnier.
What's black and white and red all over?
A menstruating nun falling down the stairs.
My grandmother, her two young adopted sons and my favorite aunt were visiting from out of town a few weeks ago and when my aunt announced, leaving the bathroom, that "Aunt Flo(w)" (an old family term for menstruation) had come to visit, the youngest sat up from his coloring book and said, "I sure would like to meet her someday."
Here's a joke that's been passed down through my circle of friends since the sixth grade [about 11-12 years old]:
One day Marlon Mosquito was flying through the air, when he smelled a wonderful cook-out. He went there and as the pests that mosquitoes are, he was killed.
So when he got to Heaven he asked God for another chance. He wanted to be something that could fly and sucked blood, so God made him a bat. Once again he was killed.
He went to God and asked for another chance. God told him he had already had another chance, plus Heaven has a second-time-no-return policy. But the bat/mosquito begged for one more chance.
God gave in. Marlon asked to be something that had wings, and sucked blood, so God made him a maxi pad!!!!!
Hi to whomever this may concern!
I think you may have probably heard something like this but I'm going to share my joke anyway:
Question: What's red and white, has wings but does not fly?
Answer: A used pad
I made that joke up on a bus ride and my friends thought it was great and told me I should submit it to the Humor section of the Museum of Menstruation!!! Hope you enjoy!!! [I did!]
Sincerely,
A- , from Massachusetts
When my youngest son was around eight years old, he, his then 11-year-old brother and I were going over to their aunt's house. As I walked into the garage the 11-year-old tattled that his little brother was hiding something in his back pocket. I demanded that he show me what it was. I'm sure I turned red, even though I was laughing, when he produced from his pocket a pair of karate nunchucks (I doubt I spelled that right): two tampons tied string to string!
I wrote this for an on-line poetry forum called The Writer's Block. Someone suggested I submit it to your Web site.
You can't imagine how much I smiled and laughed when I visited the site.
Here's my contribution, I hope you like it [I do!]
"of the gifts"
By Nadia Di Paola , © 1999 nadia di paola
of the gifts i could have chosen
in the raffle-bowl of life,
i drew the shiny, crimson token
of righteous feminine strife.
i do not spit on my delicate prize,
never would dishonor my place,
i hold its glory in greatest size
to my tender breast and bitter face.
but a complaint or two, i disclose,
for the ignorant of our plight:
bleeding away in false repose
puts the sour where once was bright.
naught else would i ask in return
than a night or two of dear sleep,
fearless of the gushing nocturne
upon the great canvas of my sheet.
with each occasional midnight trip
in homage to the linen disgrace,
i curse my faucet taken to drip
when i least can take its trace.
whosoever gifted me this red dream
let him laugh his benevolent best,
i only desire from him to glean
why those four days are such a mess?
* * *
Copyright © 1999 by nadia di paola, All rights reserved
... The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.
According to the Aggie Sex Quiz, Kotex is a radio station in Dallas
We used to have a beautiful little black cat called Moglit (sadly killed by a car when she was quite young). As well as being adorable, she was also unusually smart for a cat.
One day in spring when we had the back door open, we sat in the living room when Moglit came in, very excited, and started meowing and running in and out of the room.
When we followed her, we found a dead baby blackbird neatly laid out on the back doorstep - she'd obviously decided that we wouldn't appreciate having it brought into the house. So we stroked her and told her what a clever girl she was and Moglit went off back into the garden, very pleased with herself.
A few days later we had the same performance. But when we followed her out to the back door, we found not a hapless bit of wildlife, but an equally neatly arranged used tampon. "That" one she didn't get praised for!
PMS in the Bible
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS [premenstrual syndrome]."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and said PMS is in the Bible. He showed her a passage that read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
[You enjoyed that, didn't you!? For penance, read a discussion of religion and menstruation.]
Ode To A Mammogram
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tits!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!
