People have probably made jokes about menstruation since woman/mankind had a sense of humor. Send in your jokes, cartoons, etc.


I am sorry to have to warn you, but YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED BY THE HUMOR BELOW!
Please read the reason for this humor section before you proceed!
See also Dr. Michael Abramson's poems and his Web sites
The Museum of Menstruation and Women's Health

See also Humor in Advertising.

LINKS to this site BELOW

Leer la versión en español de los siguientes temas: Anticoncepción y religión, Breve reseña - Olor - Religión y menstruación - Seguridad de productos para la menstruación.
CONTRIBUTE to Humor, Words and expressions about menstruation and Would you stop menstruating if you could?
Some MUM site links:
HOMEPAGE |
MUM address & What does MUM mean? |
Email the museum |
Privacy on this site |
Who runs this museum?? |
Amazing women! |
Art of menstruation |
Artists (non-menstrual) |
Asbestos |
Belts |
Bidets |
Founder bio |
Bly, Nellie |
MUM board |
Books: menstruation and menopause (and reviews) |
Cats |
Company booklets for girls (mostly) directory |
Contraception and religion |
Costumes |
Menstrual cups |
Cup usage |
Dispensers |
Douches, pain, sprays |
Essay directory |
Extraction |
Facts-of-life booklets for girls |
Famous women in menstrual hygiene ads |
FAQ |
Founder/director biography |
Gynecological topics by Dr. Soucasaux |
Humor |
Huts |
Links |
Masturbation |
Media coverage of MUM |
Menarche booklets for girls and parents |
Miscellaneous |
Museum future |
Norwegian menstruation exhibit |
Odor |
Olor |
Pad directory |
Patent medicine |
Poetry directory |
Products, some current |
Puberty booklets for girls and parents |
Religion |
Religión y menstruación |
Your remedies for menstrual discomfort |
Menstrual products safety |
Seguridad de productos para la menstruación |
Science |
Shame |
Slapping, menstrual |
Sponges |
Synchrony |
Tampon directory |
Early tampons |
Teen ads directory |
Tour of the former museum (video) |
Underpants & panties directory |
Videos, films directory |
Words and expressions about menstruation |
Would you stop menstruating if you could? |
What did women do about menstruation in the past? |
Washable pads |
Leer la versión en español de los siguientes temas: Anticoncepción y religión, Breve reseña - Olor - Religión y menstruación - Seguridad de productos para la menstruación.

From an e-mailer:

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and
 Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling  after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
 

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and 
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or 
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa 
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
 tight, white shorts.
 But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
 being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
 pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
 Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into 
what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
 Isn't the human body amazing?
 As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the 
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood 
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's 
a tough time for most women.
 The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just 
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so 
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened 
an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
 words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny 
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
 mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI,
 Unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and 
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
 local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
 life in a blaze of glory.
 For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say 
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.
 Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
 there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my  maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your 
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending 
bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.


Always,

**** ****  Austin , TX

Read responses to Would you stop menstruating if you could?
And in 1927 famous efficiency expert and subject of the book and movie Cheaper by the Dozen Lillian Gilbreth recommended to Johnson & Johnson that it add a woman to its menstrual products staff.
Read a Norwegian joke about wings.

.........................................................................
From a different e-mailer:

When I was young, about 13, we were not allowed to use tampons as my parents felt we were too young to use them when we first got our periods. My first experience came when we were on a camping holiday and I wanted to spend the day at the beach without worrying that I would leak and could not wear a pad with my bathing suit, so I was given permission to use one.

After buying the box, I had to insert the tampon while in the outhouse, as there were no washrooms in this very rustic campground. It was so dark that I had difficulty reading the instructions and performing the procedure with which I was unfamiliar. [I'm glad she didn't try to use this tampon.]  I first opened one and took it apart to figure it out. I remember thinking I would never get it to work.  Finally, the third attempt was successful. This meant it took me a while longer than I or anyone else expected.

I finally emerged to find a line up at the door to the outhouse. I had been so occupied that I heard nothing of the people waiting  for their turn to use the facilities. Before I could get away one of the men said, "You took so long that we thought you'd died in there. We were just about to break the door down." Needless to say, I was very embarrassed and kept my head down as I rushed away without comment. Desperately hoping that none of them would recognize me on the beach and realize what my predicament had been.




When I was teen girl I had a male friend who came to me and my g/f one day with a fake cigarette, perched in his fingers and twiddling it like Charlie Chaplin might do with a cigar. after closer inspection if it i found that he was actually holding the applicator of a tampon!
I asked him where he found that!? he said, on the back of the toilet. Oh my goodness.
That should have been his first clue to question its existence and
placement.

"Here's a few gems on heavy flow days, all original," writes the contributor:

Today my vagina has transformed herself to an inverted Vesuvius. Tourists beware.

The space between my thighs is a theater. Someone is staging Sweeny Todd there right now.

To an intimate partner: I'd love to, baby, but the field's been shut down due to inclimate weather.

If I have to clean up this much blood again, somebody better be decapitated.



All things considered

When I was in 5th grade and my sister in fourth, my Mother thought it would be a good idea to kill two birds with one stone and speak to both of us about the the curse that we should come to expect.

She didn't want to scare us as her mother did her and her sisters, so, she tried to spin it by adding that our breasts would blossom at the same time. My little sister was silent and listened while I asked all the questions I could think of.

After my Mother answered every question I had, my sister examined my mother and me for a moment and said... "I'd rather have a penis."

That's the Gods Honest Truth.


Burglar-proof:

When I was a kid, in the 1950's, I liked to look at my mother's magazines, like Good Housekeeping. One day I saw a Kotex ad showing a well-dressed, elegant woman in a hat and gloves, with the words, "Proportioned? But why?"

I had no idea what the ad was about. The text under the photo said something about "napkins" being "for your protection."

"How can dinner napkins protect you?" I wondered. "Do you put them on the dining room table at night and they scare away burglars?"


She writes, "I wanted to pass along this geeky period comic, which I didn't see on your humor page: http://xkcd.com/594/ "


I got a story here for your humor section!

Back when it happened, I was humiliated and wouldn't have even thought about sharing it with even my best friend. But now, two years later it cracks me up when I think back at it.

Anyway, I was 13 and in 8th grade. I felt exhausted that friday night after the long week at school, and back then I only used pads. So I was just laying around, being lazy, when I decided to get up and get ice cream (chocolate, of course, hehe) and I just went to get it in the kitchen and came back, when I got a glimpse of my butt in the mirror, and *******!!! I leaked all over the back of my silk pj pants, and I'd just walked out into the kitchen and broadcasted it without knowing! I felt so awkward, that even after I changed my pants and my pad, I didn't want to go back out there! Of course, it didn't just stop there.

I fell asleep around midnight, pretty early for myself. I was in the greatest sleep of my life, when I woke up around 4 AM, just randomly, and my butt felt soaked...oh crap. I already knew what had happened, but I got up and saw the evidence on my sweatpants anyway. Of course it wasn't just the sweats...it looked like somebody committed a murder on my bed and just left the remains (Godfather bed scene, anyone? Only this wasn't with a horse head!). I knew I couldn't just leave it. I felt gross sleeping in my own blood, so I decided to attempt to get the stain out, since I was not about to wake up my parents at that hour. At first, I just tried cold water with no success, then I tried adding hand soap. Stupid idea...it did very little to help with my bloody explosion. The only change was that now, my room smelled like vanilla and shea butter. Me with my stupid thirteen year old logic tried using dish soap...and I must say, that helped the most, but soon I moved on to laundry soaps, and by about 5:30 AM, the stain was mostly out. Only one error: I lay down, right on the wet spot, totally forgetting it's wet, so I roll over and sleep on the other side on the bed, which felt weird considering I'd never slept on that side before. The sweats? Forget them. I was exhausted, mentally and physically, after trying to fix my murder scene for an hour and a half. So yup, you guessed it....I slept in my underwear. Luckily, when I woke up later at a decent hour, I hadn't leaked again....I hate my period lol!


Stories serious and funny:

I don't know what made me go looking for Majorie May's 12th Birthday. I guess the older I get the more I want to remember from my youth. I was born in 1954 but this book was the one my mother gave me when I turned 12. Even then I knew it had to be fairly out of date. No one had taught her anything so she was afraid to try and explain things to us. Didn't help that as the youngest of three girls I started my periods 3 years younger than my sisters.

The story about the girl thinking the pad was a bandaid reminded my why I still have some kicking around the house. I have had a number of surgeries in recent years and the last one left me with repeated infections in the incisions. The thick, super plus pads made great covers for the drainiage. I could never get enough gauze on to absorb the drainiage so I decided to try pads. I told the doctor during one of my visits and he thought it was a great idea.

As to humour.

We had a stray cat as a pet a number of years ago. We were living in a small town house at the time. I heard the cupboard door, in the bathroom, open and close but I didn't think much about it. I heard her playing around in the upstairs hall. It was about 5 minutes later she came down the stairs chasings a tampon. I took it away from her but it did make for a funny story at work.


The contributor of the below story writes, "My own father, if I dare even mention my period (even saying 'that time of the month') assures me that he doesn't want to know and all but sticks his fingers in his ears. . . . Since these sort of details seem of interest to your site, my mum is actually English-born herself, and grew up right after the war as the youngest of four (three of them girls). Being poor, she had told me that they often couldn't afford sanitary napkins, and her mother would rip up sheets for them to use when they were on their periods. The sheets didn't absorb well, and had to be changed often, but then, it seems they didn't have much choice."

I normally don't email websites, but I thought this story needed to be shared. Like many of these, the humor here stems from men's willful ignorance of all things menstrual.

My mum told me this story while talking about her pre-marriage career, working in a branch office of a gas/oil company [in Houston, Texas]. On this occasion an anonymous person called in a bomb threat to the office, and all employees were sent home for the day while the bomb squad searched the premises for the device. Later it was related to the employees that the (all-male) officers thought they had it when they found a 'suspicious' metal box in a female lavatory. One can imagine their excitement and adrenaline as they moved the box to a safe area, sent in a man to carefully open the lid, and ... yeah, I'm sure you can imagine what they found.

At least it wasn't a bomb.

The contributor writes "the picture says it all": http://myfirstfail.com/2009/09/30/funny-baby-photos-these-are-my-ever-dry-deadly-claws/

Contributor: "The funniest commercial I ever saw was a few years ago and on American TV.

It portrayed a mother folding laundry and taking it up stairs to put away.

Meanwhile her little boy and his fried are in the little boy's room getting money out of his piggy bank. Mom passes the door on her way to deposit clothes or towels and she over hears the boys talking and stops to listen:

*Little Friend: So whacha gonna by with all your money?*

*Little Boy: Some OB Tampons!*

*Little Friend: Why do you want OB tampons?*

*Little Boy: 'Cause if you have OB Tampons you can go swimming and ride horses and play tennis and go to the beach!*

*Mom gasps laughing and drops her load of towels on the floor*

"I swear I saw this ad on *TV* and I have never been able to find it in any search of the internet. Have you seen this ad? [No - has anyone?]

"Do you think you could ask your contributors if they have ever seen it? *I think it is just the thing that would make advertising these products tolerable for everyone* but I guess some are too sensitive."

*[The writer knows that this is an old joke, variants of which you can read further down.]*

Yours,

****


The conclusion of "Issues of Blood" (the last of three parts) by Mr. Bloom (letter right below).

Mr. Finley,

After reading the many delightful anecdotes and informative articles in the MUM, I got inspired to contribute a bit of humor of my own.

Hope you enjoy.

Mr. P. Farthingale Bloom


Tampons in Saudi Arabia

When I lived in Saudi Arabia, one of the American wives on our compound had a pretty funny story about the menstrual taboos. Tampons were not sold in Saudi Arabia, I guess because they require Touching Down There, and we all know where THAT can lead.

So when American women went to the U.S. or Europe, they stocked up on tampons and brought them back in their luggage. To save space, they would unpack the tampons from their boxes and scatter them throughout the suitcases along with their clothes.

Now coming into Saudi Arabia, customs searches EVERYTHING. Huge PITA. A 747 with 400 passengers lands at 3 A.M., and everybody waits in a long line while the customs officers root through everybody's underwear and toiletries, looking for pork, pornography, etc.

When this woman got her turn, the customs officer pulled out a Tampax, looked at it quizzically, held it up and asked: "What is this?"

She spent a few agonizing moments trying to think of a tactful way to tell him what it was.

Meanwhile, Customs Guy is still inspecting the Tampax, probably thinking: "It looks like a fuse for a Molotov cocktail or some other infernal device. Perhaps I have captured a terrorist! Allah will be pleased ...."

The American wife finally said: "It's only for woman."

With that, the light finally dawned for Customs Guy. He turned bright red, threw the tampon back in her suitcase, slammed it shut, and said: "Go. Just GO!"

[While it might be politically insensitive to show you this right here, see a strange tampon from, um, Israel.




Mr. Finley,

I have been a fan of your site for several years now and find research on the topic of menstruation and social images absolutely fascinating. I would like to contribute a joke that was sent to me, and with the current economic times I find this hilarious and yet, perhaps, useful.

A devoted fan and researcher,

****

*My dear * *family and * *friends, **

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let** **me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below. **

*How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.

Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.

The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.

Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.

Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

* Soft and Hygienic

* Non-slip grip strips on the soles

* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh

* No more bending over to mop up spills

* Disposable and biodegradable

* Environmentally safe

* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

*Don't worry guys I make Mens too*


Harry Finley,

The funniest commercial I ever saw was a few years ago and on American TV. It portrayed a mother folding laundry and taking it up stairs to put away. Meanwhile her little boy and his fried are in the little boy's room getting money out of his piggy bank. Mom passes the door on her way to deposit clothes or towels and she over hears the boys talking and stops to listen:

Little Friend: So whacha gonna by with all your money?

Little Boy: Some OB Tampons!

Little Friend: Why do you want OB tampons?

Little Boy: 'Cause if you have OB Tampons you can go swimming and ride horses and play tennis and go to the beach!

Mom gasps laughing and drops her load of towels on the floor

I swear I saw this ad on TV and I have never been able to find it in any search of the internet. Have you seen this ad? [No - has anyone?] Do you think you could ask your contributors if they have ever seen it? I think it is just the thing that would make advertising these products tolerable for everyone but I guess some are too sensitive.

[The writer knows that this is an old joke, variants of which you can read further down.]


A great thanks for your website - I've been reading it all day and I love it! I thought I'd contribute a few stories of my own.

When I was a little girl, we had some family visiting and I was out playing with my cousins. I fell and scraped my knee, and so I came inside the kitchen where my mother was entertaining company to ask where the Band-Aids were. She replied that they were under her sink, and I went off to find one. I found a nice large one, but I couldn't figure out why the sticky side and the bandage were on opposite sides. How was I supposed to make it stay? I went into the living room to ask Mom, struggling as I walked to make the bandage stay (which was obviously a pad, although I was blissfully unaware). My mother turned a bright red and rushed me out of the room to help me find a REAL Band-Aid while everyone else in the room laughed hysterically.

But the second is the best, albeit the strangest. My mother and I were in her bedroom watching TV together when we realized we were hearing odd noises coming from my little brother's room (he was about 4 or 5 at the time, I believe), which was just next door, and is connected to their bathroom. We both went into his bedroom to make sure all was well, and when we got there, we saw him hiding under the covers, only his wide panicked eyes visible. Mom tugged the edge of the covers off and there, between his sheets, were handfuls of tampons, probably a couple of boxes worth. We never figured out just what it was he was planning to do with them - it looked like he was hoarding them!

Thanks and keep up the good work!

"Saying yes to life even in its strangest and hardest problems; the

will to life rejoicing over its own inexhaustibility even in the very

sacrifice of its highest types-this is what I call Dionysian." - Nietzsche


The Onion wanes sentimental - not: Read "Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman."


A Brazilian writes,

Last Tuesday [August 2008], the national humouristic TV show "Casseta e Planeta Urgente," from Globo network, showed a fake newspaper headline:

"Trãnsito do Rio naqueles dias - Detran instala absorventes para conter o fluxo na Linha Vermelha"

(Translation: Rio (de Janeiro city)'s traffic on those days - Detran installs pads to contain flow on Red Line)

Detran - Traffic Department, state authority

Linha Vermelha - an expressway which serves this city

A screenshot of this moment is attached with this mail.

See the program here: Rede Globo's official video site:
http://video.globo.com/
Videos/Player/Entretenimento/0,,GIM865600-7822-PIADA+DE+ULTIMA+HORA,00.html



Is TAMPAX sponsoring a car at NASCAR races??
See the END of this video news broadcast.


A twin spin:

I gotta funny story. I was at summer camp the year before 4th grade, and I'd never heard of a period. Some of the fifth grade girls were talking, and one said that a boy named Jimmy had maxi-pads in his closet. Another said that was because if one of his girlfriends came, he could offer one to her. I had no clue what they were talking about, but somehow I knew it had something to do with blood coming out of the private. Disgusted and scared, I immediately dismissed the idea that blood would come out of a girls private. Two years later, the exact thing that I denied happened to me.

This is one of my friends: Ok ,so this girl had her purse next her, and she was hanging out with my friend and another guy. Ok, so the guy happens to see a package in her purse and pulls it out, asking: "What's this?" Then she told him it was a pad. He dropped it immediately on the ground, disgusted. This was apparently not the first time he'd done this. When my friend told me this, I said, "He should stop pulling Easter-colored packages from girls' purses."


This just in:

At a previous employer, there was a moody guy who would go over to the general manager's secretary's office. He would wait for her to be called into her boss's office and then snoop into her desk. One day, the secretary took an envelope, put a tampon in it and wrote his name on it. When Cranky Carl arrived, she handed him the sealed envelope and said, "Carl, you need this more today than I do." He opened it and saw what was inside, he stormed out in a foul mood.


A variation on an old theme:

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

From the United Kingdom:

Tampax have announced they are swapping the string on all Tampax for tinsel, but just for the Christmas period!


I am happy to find your web museum tonite.

So many years ago when I lived in D.C. in the late 80's I heard of the museum. I cannot remember if the Citypaper or New York magazine but I wrote the author some jokes back then and since I never became a stand up comedienne I don't get to use them.

So what if female hygiene was not the responsibility of the textile or paper industry but rather the baking industry.....????

Then once a months gals would be "on a roll" instead of the rag ... and how smart would lady fingers be.

I sure it could go on with pastries and jelly rolls, etc. .. but it is interesting how sometime based on what is a cheaper commodity things progress.

Who would have thought there would be bamboo sheets and things.

Thanks again for your great social experiment and may you be as famous as Mr. Titslinger, etc.


An e-mailer writes, "I recently read (in The Big Book of the 1970's, a comic book of factoids) that John Lennon (of Beatles fame), in a drunken nightclub rampage during the early 1970's, wore a tampon on his head."


Two e-mailers' comments about the Always [menstrual pads] Happy Period campaign:

[1.] Then there's the "have a happy period" campaign, which to my mind belongs on the list of plausible defenses for homicide. (http://www.always.com/mom/boostmood.jsp)

When Always products came on the market, my first reaction was--who in the world wants to associate any of this stuff with Always? How about Never? That makes as much sense as naming luggage after Amelia Earhart, who never came back.

Once I made my husband look [at her used menstrual pad]. He has never quite got over it. I just told him I thought he ought to, once. At the time we'd been married about 15 years, and I'd had two kids and a miscarriage.

Well, I won't bug you any more, Harry. You are a brave man and some kind of hero. I hope you get a well-deserved statue, molded of firm and absorbent cotton, or at least a page of immortality in Guinness.

[Read her comments about stopping her period.]

[2.] The female veterinarian who treats my cats gave me this e-mail. Yeah, of course she knows about this museum. I eliminated the names to protect the innocent and guilty.

This is an actual letter sent to Procter & Gamble from **** ****, Austin, Texas, regarding their feminine products. . . .

Dear Mr. ****,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. ****? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must also know about the the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . . . which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful wanted to reach inside my body and and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**king kidding me? Does any part of your middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, ****? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local KMart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong," or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
**** ****
Austin, Texas


Hello!

I thought of the MUM's humor section when I saw this clip from the cult British TV comedy The Young Ones. In this clip, the clueless Rick was playing with a tampon that he found in a partygoer's purse, not knowing what it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk4a9o6-2zw

I do not know whether you have seen that clip, but hope you get a kick out of it.

Sincerely,


Headlines from The Onion:

"Local Pre-Teen Violates Best Friend's Menstruation Non-Disclosure Agreement"

"Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina"


When I got my period for the first time, my mom gave me a pad to go put on. I went into the bathroom, and came out complaining to my mom about how bloody uncomfortable it was. She didn't see why I'd find it so uncomfortable, so I showed her.

Needless to say, she was pretty surprised when she saw the pad with the adhesive side stuck directly on me, and not my panties.


I was in grade school, probably grade one or two, and three of us were playing in a corner of the school yard. Joyce whispered something to us, completely unbelievable - she said her sister had fallen down and cut herself "down there" - 'cause she was bleeding. We tried to picture this, imagining falling on a piece of glass or something sharp. We could not picture how you would put a band-aid there. We really had no idea what this meant, or that it was her older sister getting her period.


It took me until age 15 to start my period, and by then all my friends had had it. We used to quiz each other about the precursor symptoms. Someone said once you started having the white discharge, your period was coming soon. Because it took so long to get started, I was very very eager to have a period. Many embarrassing moments were to come with it, however, as I was always caught unaware, unprepared and often with no supplies on hand. Like the time I went skiing with my new boyfriend. We left on a bus from his high school and were gone the whole day. I came in at one point to use the bathroom and noticed I had started bleeding. Believe it or not, there were no Kotex machines, the lady at the lodge couldn't help me. There was nothing I could do but use paper towels bunched up and sit in the lodge till the end of the day. By the time we got back to the high school, and I was able to get to the washroom, I had to throw my panties out, too much mess. Of course, I couldn't tell my boyfriend about any of this, or explain why I was sitting inside instead of skiing. The taboo was so strong, even in 1970-something, that I felt too shy to tell him.

Only one of many anecdotes of overflowing, stains and ruined clothing.

I just discovered this corner of your web site - it's very funny.

You'd think 30 years and lots of feminism later, we'd have changed, but my daughter is still very shy to talk about her period. At least she tells me when she has it. I don't think she wants to mention it to her brother though.

I'm still trying to figure out how to reach girls her age with that topic.


Younger visitors often see what a menstrual belt looks like for the first time; often, they have just vaguely heard of them.

I had to laugh at this - when I was about thirteen (summer of '84) my aunt was going through a bunch of things to put in her yard sale and held up what looked like a garter belt with only two garters. "Do you want this?" she asked, and when I asked what it was, she whispered, "It's a sanitary belt!" Whispered, even though she and I were the only two people there. I, having begun menstruating well after the advent of adhesive pads - and in fact, not long after the market debut of Maxithins - had never seen a sanitary belt before. I'd seen the pads, however - in our middle school, the nurse had apparently gotten a good deal on a large supply of the old-fashioned pads, which she would hand out with two safety pins apiece for us to pin them into our underwear. It was a source of endless amusement for we would-be Valley Girls.


A couple of weeks ago I went on a trip with a couple of friends of mine to a relative's house. This house had a pool and the one friend was going to be on her period. She had never used a tampon before, even at 18, because she had had trouble putting it in when she was younger. So we decided to teach her. My other friend took one apart trying to dispel worries, attempted to show how the cardboard applicator worked without really showing, and demonstrated the soaking ability in the sink. Well, several tries and she couldn't do it and my just in case supply of four ran out. So we left her at the house and went to the local pharmacy. After debating between regular and slender tampons, we picked up some chocolate. I can't imagine what the man at the register thought with two girls purchasing a box of tampons and a pack of snickers. Well, after she had chocolate, our friend was successful!


I heard a story/joke about a little kid seeing blood in the toilet when mom stood up. She explained that "her vagina was sick." Hope this helps.

God bless you and yours, ***  



My inquisitive 7-year-old son found my tampons and asked, "Mum, what are these bullets for?"

Embarrassed, I told him, "It's meant for girl's use so don't ask."

Being the persistent little boy that he is, he continued, "But Mama, tell me which part of the body it's for! Is it for the ear?"

I tried in vain to brush his questions aside with "No, use below."

He quickly jumped to the conclusion: "I know, it's to put inside your buttocks."

Thanks for the great site!  I had so many good laughs.

Cheers


"Mother, Daughter Exchange Encoded Menstruation-Related Message Over Dinner Table," from America's Finest News Source. Read more menstruation codes from around the world. And from the same paper: "Procter & Gamble Introduces Home Menstruation Test." Similar stuff here.


So, where in !**& would you find a pantypad on a door?


Here's a little anecdote.

I got my first period during a summer spent in France. One morning, I fought with my sister and got sent upstairs to the room. I was angry and crying and noticed a stain on my panties. I woke up my mom next door. She saw what it was and seeing me crying hugged me and said there was nothing to be afraid of.

"It's not that!" I sobbed, "Daddy won't let me watch Dragon Ball Z!"

 Of course, I already knew everything about menstruation. But my mother's face was priceless.


Here in UK we always believed that there are strings on a tampon so that the crabs can practise bungee jumping.


A Canadian writes,

I think I may be able clear up the problem of the guy buying sporting goods when he wanted tampons. [Scroll down for other versions.] I heard a joke a very long time ago that sounds similar, except it involved a lawn mower. In any event, it's a pretty good joke. The joke goes like this:

A salesman was reprimanded for not anticipating a customer's needs. The manager said, "If someone comes in looking for a fishing pole, try to sell him some tackle and a tackle box as well."

The salesman had this in mind when a very embarrassed looking gentleman walked into the store. The gentleman whispered, "Excuse me. I need some tampons for my wife." The salesman showed him where they were and then asked, "Come with me, sir. I'd like to show you the most amazing lawn mower you've ever seen." The gentleman, clearly just wanting to get out of the store, asked gruffly, "Why the hell do I want a lawn mower?" To which the salesman cheerfully replied, "Since your weekend's screwed, you may as well cut the grass."


Wow, I thought I was the only boy to have found an outrageous use for a Tampax as a child, great to see there are others out there. Here's mine:

In the 1970's, our church in Wisconsin sponsored several families of Vietnamese refugees to live in our town. My father was the pastor of the church, and I must have been about 8 to 10 years old when they arrived. My mother had invited them to a welcoming lunch with several other of the ladies, and I must have been very curious about this different culture and interesting people, so I thought of the idea of pretending to be a radio show host and interviewing them. I created my "radio" from a child's piggy-bank shaped like a safe (it had a dial on it I could use for "tuning") but then I needed a microphone - where could I find one? Uh huh, you got it: they were kept in the bathroom and even had a cord already attached! My mom was mortified as I ran excitedly down the stairs and thrust the microphone into the face of our visitors and peppered them with questions! [The writer contributed "Indians are visiting" to the Iran section of Words and expressions about menstruation.]


I've just spent an hour or so reading the humor on the website and the different way that boys played with sanitary products.

Am I the only guy who, as a young boy, thought those little cardboard tubes that mysteriously appeared in the bathroom trash can made a great toy telescope?


The contributor writes,

I may have missed it but I don't see this one my granny told me years ago. She was a funny, outspoken lady.

Do you know why elephants don't use tampons?

Would you if you had to put them in with your nose?


My older brother loved to get into Mom's things when little; make-up, jewelry, and pads. Around age three (before my birth) my father hadn't heard much noise from my brother and went looking for him. He found him in the bathroom peeling back pads and sticking them to the side of the bathtub. When asked what he was doing he simply replied, "I'm making the tub puffy." When my brother was five he wanted to play A-Team (TV show with Mr. T, who has a Mohawk and wears lots of gold necklaces). The necklace part was simple: just put on everything in Mom's jewelry box. Making himself the same skin color as Mr. T was simple: use all Mom's black eye shadow all over his face. And the last thing was how to get a Mohawk. Well, he put a pad on the top of his head and walked proudly into the living room. My aunts were over for tea and he announced, "Look, Mom, I'm Mr. T." These stories always come up during family get-togethers when a laugh is needed.

We do have a picture of him playing Mr. T but I can't do that to him on the Web - I just show it to all his girlfriends ;)


NOTICE: "THERE WILL BE NO MORE MENSTRUATION JOKES, PERIOD."

(Contribution from Joe - just joking, period)


A German woman sent these:

Why is the blonde jumping from the tenth floor? She is testing the wings of the new Always ultra!

Why shouldn't blondes skydive when they are "having their days"? They could pull the wrong string!


This is a true story, or at least the college friend who told it to me swore it was!

When Jimmy was a little boy, he found his mom's tampons and asked her what they were for. She said, "They're for when you bleed."

"Oh, OK," replied little Jimmy.

Some time later, little Jimmy and his older brother were playing in the front yard of the family's home. Jimmy's brother was prone to nosebleeds, and got one. Little Jimmy knew just what to do. . . .

. . . but imagine the look on his mother's face when she discovered her two sons playing in the front yard, one with a tampon shoved up his nostril, string hanging down!

Thanks for your wonderful site!


This is a true story that still makes my face red today. When I was 16 I was babysitting a neighbor's three daughters. I was standing in the hallway talking to their father before they left for the evening when their oldest, who was 7, came running around the corner holding up high in the air an opened tampon in each hand. She yelled really loud,"LOOK DADDY! SHE HAS THOSE THINGS YOU PUT IN YOUR BUTT HOLE!" I died. I never babysat for them again. BUT, I did remember to ALWAYS put my purse out of reach after that.


Regarding your tampon joke [way] below.

I'll shorten it up a bit, but the manager was amazed that the rookie (male) salesman sold a guy an SUV and a boat and all the fishing gear, etc.

The salesman said it was easy. First he sold him some fishing hooks, and asked him about his fishing rod. He then told him he'd catch more fish with a better rod. Then he said he might as well get a new reel for that rod. How about a boat. Now a new 500 HP Motor. Now you need a trailer for the boat and finally an SUV to pull the trailer. 

The amazed manager said "That's unbelievable! You sold all that stuff to a guy who came in for fishing hooks?" 

The salesman replied, "Actually he came in for tampons. I told him since his weekend was shot, he might as well go fishing!"

Now isn't that better?

Ed


The girls were having their sex education class. One girl piped up will if we get periods and PMS, what do boys get? Without missing a beat the teacher replied they get UMS. Ugly mood swings or urgently missing sex.


Speaking of Tampax, I have a true story you might want to put on your humour page.

A couple of years ago, when I was working in Mexico, my best friend decided he'd come down from New York for a visit, and asked what I wanted as a present. Now, in rural Mexico, you can get hold of Tampax, but they cost an arm and a leg, so the two women I worked with and I decided to ask for two boxes each of Tampax (the boxes of 40), and he was fine about buying and transporting them, but told us to be specific.

Well, I wrote back and said, "Tampax regular, the boxes of 40, make sure they have cardboard applicators and not plastic, because the cardboard is biodegradable."

Armed with the instructions, off he went.

The next day, I get an email back. "I KNEW it wouldn't be that easy!

"I spent an hour in the Tampax aisle, with all the checkout women staring and laughing at me! What do you want? Pearl tipped, ribbed, mini, original, glide? They have round and original and smooth and smooth maxi and it just goes on and on and I don't know which one to get!"

We almost died laughing at work! None of us had been in a first world country in so long, we didn't know that Tampax now had all sorts of varieties, and the list just seemed ludicrous - as did the image of this very obviously gay boy running up and down a long aisle of Tampax sweating as he tried to decide which ones to buy, in front of a row of laughing women!

But he was our hero! The next day he braved the shop again, and asked one of the checkout women which one she used, and bought us six boxes on her recommendation, AND carried them proudly past the puzzled Mexican security guards to us!

Can't wait for his visit to South Korea!


Thank you for your amazing Web site. I laughed and laughed and felt good after having the PMS blues today! Here goes a Tamil (language spoken in the south of India) "classic" joke.

In Tamil, the code for mom having periods is "not at home" (poorly translated to "out-of-doors"). Anyway, owing to the segregation criterion in some orthodox families, it is common for mom to be in a seperate room of her own and her visitors being told that she is "not at home." But we kids thought dad was being rude telling such a lie! So we upped our voices and said, "But she is in the guest room"! [The writer tells more about this custom on the 23 December news page here at MUM.]

All the best,

****

"It is imperative to have a holistic view of life in terms of social, spiritual and economic development and to achieve the dream of ancient sages. Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam" - HH Sri Sri Ravi Shanker


What a relief to see a site with humor and honesty when it comes to menstruation!

Just a few quick stories:

My daughter was about 8 when I explained to her that someday she would get her period and become a woman! What a day to celebrate! Not too long after that we were at an RV park, and I got my period while using the public restroom. I explained that we had to cut our walk short so I could go back and get a pad. She skipped all the way back, burst into the RV, and announced to her Daddy that we should get a cake to celebrate, 'cause Mommy just became a woman! 

This is the same daughter that arranged a "Coming of Age" Party for her late-blooming girlfriend - complete with red cake and decorations and contests like "Who can name the most slang names for your period."

****


Hi there! I absolutely love your site. It's just fascinating and really entertaining as well! I know that you've got pages and pages of menstruation jokes, but I hope you have room for another. This is (obviously) a true story:

For whatever reason, my aunt and her family refer to getting one's period as "falling off the roof." [See more such things here.]

Anyway, one day a few years ago, she and my oldest (female) cousin were in the car, discussing an old family friend who was way past menopausal age and still "falling off the roof".

From the back seat, my youngest cousin, then six or so and totally baffled, piped up, "Then why does she keep climbing up there?!"

Thanks for a great site!

****


Thought you would like to hear about the time we were crossing the border into the U.S. from Canada via motorcycle. The border guard opted to search out bike for contraband. He appeared to be delighted when an OB tampon rolled out of the saddlebag. With great gusto he pounced upon it exclaiming, "What's this?" It only took him a few seconds to figure out what "this" was, and he stopped his search immediately and scurried away.


I saw this one episode of Funniest Home Videos where there was a mom playing with a video camera. She went into the hall and saw pad wrappers all over the floor. So she calls out her son's name, "Ben? Where are you?" She hears him in his bedroom and opens the door, and there are unused pads stuck all over his bedroom wall, window, etc. She asks him what he was doing, and he said, "I wanted the airplane stickers in my room."


Dracula and his friend go to a pub for a drink.  Dracula's friend orders a pint of A RH+, Dracula just wants a glass of hot water.  "Hey, dear Dracula, what's wrong with you?  No blood today?"  "Oh, no," says Dracula, "I have a cold, so I prefer a hot tea", and pulls a used Tampax out of his pocket.


I've been reading your humour section, its great, I particularly like the, very blackly funny, joke about the homesick abortion. We have a variation on it here in Australia, a comment; "That one crawled out of the abortion bucket," in reference to a particularly obnoxious person, i.e. someone only a mother could love. This comment is not said in polite circles, and should only really be said in the company of very close friends.

Also: Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?

A: Because it was stapled to the back of the chicken.


You know the old exit lines "I'm going to make like a banana . . . and split," "I'm going to make like tom . . . and cruise," "Make like a tree . . . and leaf," etc., etc.? A vulgar addition: "I'm going to make like a tampon . . . and get out of this bloody hole."


This one's not necessarily menstrual, but close (and it's a TRUE story!)

About 20 years ago I was working in a restaurant with a chef named Martha. One night a bunch of us were out for drinks after work and some guy walked up and starting hitting on Martha. His pick-up line was, "So, hey baby, how do you want your eggs in the morning?" Without missing a beat, Martha replied, "Unfertilized, thank you!"

[At the bottom of the e-mail sat this:]

"There are two ways of spreading light: To be the candle or the mirror that reflects it."

-- Edith Wharton, 'Vesalius in Zante' (1902)

[Then the writer mailed this one:]

When I was 7 or 8 years old, I was intrigued by the large box of Kotex my mother kept in the bathroom, but somehow knew not to ask her about it. Instead I decided to ask the babysitter, who refused to tell me. So then I decided to figure it out for myself. In school we were learning about root words, like how "birdhouse" is comprised of "bird" + "house", etc. So I started reading the back of the Kotex box, where there was an offer for a pamphlet explaining "the facts of life" titled, "Prepare Your Daughter for Menstruation." I told the babysitter: "I figured it out: 'menstruation' has the root word 'men' so it must be 'Prepare Your Daughter for Men'!!!" The babysitter about died laughing, and it wasn't until a couple of years later that I discovered why!


One of your jokes reminded me of something that happened to me. 

When I was growing up I was the oldest of three children. I had a younger sister and a younger brother. One day my brother came out of the bathroom carrying one of Mom's tampons asking her what it was. He was about 6-7 years old and she told him it was a cigar for women. Sometime later Mom caught him in the garage with a tampon and a package of matches trying to light it. After he was punished for playing with fire "us girls" had a good laugh and forever referred to tampons as cigars. 

Fast track forward 25 or more years: my mother received a sample package of tampons in the mail. Since she had "gone through the change" when she came to visit my husband and me, she said when she got ready to leave, "Oh, I forgot, I have a box of cigars for you in the car." I followed her out to the car and she gave them to me. In the meantime one of my husband's friends stopped by to visit. You have to realize my husband is 16 years older than me and grew up in a house of all males except his mother (and lady stuff was never mentioned). So I came back into the house and I had the small package of tampons in my pocket and decided to stash them in the bathroom. Well, before I could cross the kitchen my husband (trying to be a tough macho kinda guy) said, "Why the hell is your mom giving you cigars? You don't smoke - give them to me." 

I gladly obliged. I opened the package and pulled out one of the tampons and tossed it to him (mind you, his friend witnessed this all). He either wasn't paying attention or his eyesight was going; he opened the tampon and started to stick it in his mouth. Suddenly he realized this was no cigar and saw what it is. He threw it across the room and was fuming! His friend and my teenage daughter and I were laughing so hard we nearly peed our pants. He was so mad but he knew he could not say a thing. Later that evening he asked me when we were alone why would my mother call them cigars. I told him the story of my brother. His only reply was "You're not right and neither is your mother."


The contributor of "Cut your finger"and "Mouse mummies" in Words sent this story

A personal story that I'll never forget happened when I was 13, in the early 1960s.

Grades six through nine were in separate schools called junior high schools. Most of the girls were just starting to menstruate and were embarrassed. Our gym teacher (physical education) was a nice lady named Miss Fisher. She made sure there were Kotex machines in all the girls' restrooms.

Knowing we were all mortally embarrassed about our new status, she arranged a code with all the teachers. At that time, you didn't just get up and leave class to go to the restroom. The idea was that classes were only 45 minutes long and breaks between them were 10 minutes, so just "hold it." (I can't believe we tolerated it but that was before we began to question authority!) If you just HAD to leave class (to visit the Kotex machine) we were assured that if we told the teacher "I have to go see Miss Fisher" that we'd be excused with no questions asked and not refused permission to leave. Naturally, this statement was made by meekly tiptoeing up to the desk and whispering in the teacher's ear.

At mid-year, a teacher resigned and was replaced by a young, good-looking male teacher in his early 20s. Yes, you guessed it. Nobody told him about the code. When one of the girls (thank goodness it wasn't me !) made this whispered, urgent request, the teacher blurted out loud, "Why do you have to go see Miss Fisher right in the middle of math class??!!"

Several of the boys snickered (they certainly knew), the poor girl blushed beet red and the rest of the girls nearly fainted. "Oh, Sir, you had better let her go !!!!" we chorused. He let her go, but begrudgingly!


This is a long story but worth reading!

I went to grade school in the very early 70s in a very small community. This particular school had K-7 housed in one school. We had one girls' restroom and one boys' restroom for the entire school. The school had been built in the early 1900s originally as a high school and the restrooms doubled as the locker rooms. So since they had built a brand-new shiny high school the "little kids" went to the old high school. 

Someone (I am assuming male) had the brilliant idea of removing the Kotex machine from the girls' restroom. Well, most women would have the insight to know that girls start menstruating anywhere from about nine years old and up and of course this school went to the seventh grade (12-13 years old). Meanwhile, the Kotex machine was tossed aside but it quickly became evident they needed to put it back. 

Well, the school being the disorganized mess that it was the machine was kept in a back room off from the music room. One day the janitor decided he would carry it through the classroom and back up to the girls' restroom. So the whole fourth-grade class saw it being carried out. One of the boys asked the janitor (Old John we called him) what the machine was. John simply said, "It's a candy bar machine for the girls." 

You could see every boy in that room turn red with anger. "How dare they do that!" Heck, we could only have chocolate milk on Fridays and now the girls could get candy bars anytime they wanted! 

The music teacher was some ancient old man they had dug up from some retirement home (well, it seemed like it). He was clueless. He finished class and sent us back to our regular teacher. The boys were still fuming. A few of the girls knew it was a joke but quite a few, including myself, thought we really did have a candy bar machine! 

So all week long the boys were plotting how to get into the girls' restroom and get a candy bar. The problem was that you had to walk right past the principal's office; the door beside it was the girls' restroom. Since it had been a locker room it was huge with much of the original equipment removed and with the high ceilings and concrete walls and floors. Echoes were terrible in there. 

I of course asked my mother the next day for a dime to get a candy bar (she thought nothing of it since that was the going rate for a candy bar at the time). I quickly discovered they were not candy bars but the "things" mother had in the bathroom hidden under the sink. But the boys were still going to get in there and get some themselves. 

So we were back in music class and the teacher was not very "with it." The boys started asking a few at a time to go the restroom but they were sneaking into the girls' restroom instead and purchasing a "candy bar."

Well, they were not telling each other, evidently. Because after about 10 boys went to the restroom the principal heard them. He sent the school secretary, who must have been at least 85 years old at the time (no kidding), into the girls' restroom to see what was going on. She walked in (I was in there more to be nosy than anything but using the guise of needing to "go") and here was a nine-year-old boy standing in a pile of open Modess maxipads the boys had been purchasing and opening them, discovering what they were and throwing them down on the floor. She went absolutely wild, screaming and going bonkers and ordering people out of the rest room! I thought, "Wow, this must be really bad!"

About a month later they started sex education classes (it had never been done before). They did mention menstruation to the girls but not to the boys. I am not sure what they told the boys but I was utterly convinced I was pregnant in the fifth grade because I had been kissed by a boy. It was a really screwed-up time.

I was 11 years old when I started menstruating. I used tampons for months until the flow was really heavy. My mother suggested I use a pad, so I did. A day or two later she asked how the pads were working out. I said, "Pretty good, but they really hurt when you rip them off." My mother, being the understanding woman that she is, said, "You idiot! You're suppose to stick them onto your panties, not yourself!!" [There are other versions of this on these pages.]

What do you call a sanitary pad?

Hammock for a lazy c---. [I think the Australian means cunt, which is a vulgar term for woman and a woman's genitals - just some help for people outside the native English-speaking world.]


Hello. I enjoy your site, as do many of my friends. I wanted to share a funny story I heard a few years ago while working at the department of highways as a summer college worker.

The only other woman on my crew was in her 40s and used to drive a coal truck. One day one of the guys she worked with stuck a dildo with a suction cup on the end to the back of her truck and she drove around like that for several hours, not knowing what passers-by were cackling at. When she figured it out she was humiliated so she carefully plotted her revenge. A few days later she made a batch of homemade pepperoni rolls (a regional West Virginia food, but basically a bread roll with pepperoni baked inside of it) Anyway, she used sticks of pepperoni and rolled the dough around it ­ she made a special one, however, for the prankster. She got an unused tampon and soaked it in soy sauce and red food coloring and baked it inside, string and all. The next day she took the rolls to work with her and she made sure the guy got one of the real ones before taking the tampon-filled roll. The whole crew was sitting around during lunch when he bit into that roll ­ he sunk his teeth into it and when he pulled his hand away the tampon stayed in his mouth but the bread pulled away leaving a used-looking tampon and string dangling from his mouth. He vomited and none of the guys ever picked on her again.


A woman e-mails:

My two-year-old daughter was terribly quiet one afternoon. I went to check on her and she had pulled out two unopened packages of maxi pads, opened them, pulled off the protective covering from the adhesive strip and had them all over the walls and vanity in the bathroom. "'Tickers mommy, BIG 'tickers!" she cried with a huge grin on her face!

Next:

My three-year-old neighbor, Stephanie, went to the grocery store with her daddy to fetch mommy some tampons. Mind you, we live in a town of only a few hundred people. As they approached the only cash register in the store, Stephanie clearly and loudly stated, "My mommy puts these in her 'gina!"

[She added] You got to be careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there. - Yogi Berra


This joke is really true. I was really embarrassed. I was 9 at the time.

I had just learned about menstruation. My mom also showed me where she keeps her pantiliners just in case it happens. I decided to practice with one of them (pantiliners). So, I put one on. At that time, I wanted to pee. So I thought that you could pee in it. So I peed. Then it started to leak on my leg  and in my head, I was saying, "Oh-no!" All of a sudden my mom burst in to the bathroom and started laughing when she realized what I did. Now, I understand what pantiliners are for.


A woman writes,

A male friend once asked me if girls get turned on when inserting tampons.

My response: ew!!

I love your Website, by the way. I was wondering how I should cite it for a research paper I'm writing.


A man e-mails,

I heard this joke from a woman once.

One day, a man walks into a bar and sees a sexy woman who interests him. He goes over to her and says, "Hey baby, I love you! Let's start fooling around." The woman says "I'm sorry, I can't. I'm on my menstrual cycle." So the man then says, "Well, don't worry, I have a Honda - I'll follow you."


This story is a variation of one repeated many times below:

Three boys are sitting on the stoop on a summer's afternoon. One of their fathers, exasperated that the kids are just sitting around, gives them five bucks and tells them to go amuse themselves. As they walk down Main Street they debate what they should do with the money. Should they buy a deck of cards? A football? Play in the arcade? "Wait a sec!" says one of the boys as he runs into the drug store. "Wait here!" A few minutes later he comes out with a package of tampons. "You idiot!" his friends shout. "We were going to have some fun. What are we going to do with those?"

"Look what it says right here on the box," the boy replies: "'You can go horseback riding, you can go swimming . . . .'"


This also a variation of stories below; I think almost every funny story about periods must be on these pages:

How do you now that the barwoman doesn't like you?

The string in the bloody mary.


From an Australian man:

All blokes in Australia know what sanitary napkins are: man hole covers.



Dear Mr Finley,

Thank you for your very interesting Web site. I was reading the humour section and thought of a couple of titbits you might be interested in.

Apparently, a few years ago, one of the sanitary towel firms started advertising in Poland. Unfortunately they used a straight translation of their English slogan, and ended up exhorting the Poles to "Fly to work on your sanitary towel!"

Also, further to all the stories of little boys unknowingly playing with tampons, when I was eleven I had to make a mobile for a school project. My mum suggested I use the cardboard tubes from applicator tampons for the structure, and they worked very well!

Best wishes,

****

Cambridge, U.K.


"This one is pretty bad, mostly embarrassing.

"My boyfriend and I were camping during the summer, and of course it was during my period. Before I knew it I was out of tampons so we had to go buy some at a store. The tampon I was using was the last one so I was praying that it would last until we got there. It was really hot out, so I was wearing a skirt to top things off.

"Anyhow, with my luck I felt something on our way to the store.The tampon was giving, and I knew I had to do something. Luckily there were leftover clean napkins in the car from when we went drive-through the day before. I quickly grabbed one, lifted and slipped the napkin under in a bunch so it would stay there. However, it wasn't very secure.

"Soon enough we approached a restaurant and I stopped there to use the bathroom. It was so bad - and uncomfortable.

"I knew the napkins were not placed very well, and I admit it was my fault for not taking enough precautions. I began to walk up the stairs towards the restaurant entrance while my boyfriend waited in the car.

"It was a long walkway and it just so happened that it was break time for the workers. A bunch of young adolescent boys were sitting along the path having cigarettes. I was a little nervous about walking by since i was wearing a relatively short skirt and they were all sitting low.

"I walked past them. Then to my horror I felt the napking fall. They didn't notice at first. It fell right in the middle of where they were all sitting. I quickly turned around and saw a nightmare. A yellow napkin on the ground with blood on it. It was obvious what it was used for.

"Initially I wasn't quite sure what to do, but then I thought it would be better if I quickly grabbed it. I was soo scared, these guys just looked at it and seemed confused. In a flash I picked up the napkin and stormed inside into the bathroom. They all saw me pick it up. To my luck they had tampon dispensers. I was so mortified. I was so embarassed. That was the single most horrible experience of my life. I mean, afterwards I kept wondering about it and I was scared to leave the bathroom."


A frequent Swedish contributor sends this link for men: http://www.helpmemisterwizard.com/

From the United Kingdom:

A young woman goes shopping one day, down her local high street.

The last shop she visits is the butcher, where she asks for a packet of beef fat.

"Certainly, madam." replies the butcher, "I'll just have to go to the fridge to get it."

The woman sets down her bags and waits for the butcher to return. While he is away, a friend of the woman walks in and they begin chatting. The butcher returns, the woman pays and puts the lard in one of the shopping bags. She then continues talking to her friend.

They finish talking and leave the shop. After they have left, the butcher notices that the woman has left one of her bags behind. Inside is the packet of lard and a box of tampons. The butcher grabs the bag, rushes outside and calls down the street after the woman -

"Excuse me miss - you've forgotten your Tampax and your dripping!" [Dripping means beef fat, lard.]

"My brother told me this one:

Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretsky?

A: Wayne Gretsky showers after three periods."


"Your jokes page mentions a guy who came across the tampon cardboard tubes and thought they looked similar to machine guns. I was just laughing with some coworkers about some of the things we first thought when we came across them. I thought the little pink "bags" that I found in the bathroom made great little Barbie suitcases. (Whatever kind my mother used packaged the wrappers separately. I don't think I've seen any like that since.) Another coworker said her brother found their mom's tampons and tied them to his army men and pretended they were parachutes. You should start a page of humorous (true) anecdotes. It's so rare that we women recall a menses story and laugh. I'm sure it would be much appreciated!"


"Anything is possible these days."

I remember one episode of South Park [a funny cartoon series on American television] where Cartman had told his friends that he has reached puberty before his friends and claimed that he had gotten his period. Technically it turned out that a small stomach virus was going around making kids bleed a little out of their butts, which could be easily cured with simple antibiotics. It was so funny to see Cartman going to the pharmacy to buy maxipads, and Kenny had gotten tampons to put up his butt, eventually he just got stopped up  and died.

Anyway, I wouldn't be very surprised if someday a contest was promoted or offered by companies that produced those pads. Upon a pad getting used, a message would be revealed, and if the message said you win, a woman could receive a life time supply of pads and tampons from that company. It's probably too far fetched and insane, but anything is possible these days.

[Well, what a coincidence! While not exactly what the e-mailer mentions, I made a series of ads for a fake company called Lernpaks in the late 1980s, before I - Harry Finley - had even thought about creating the Museum of Menstruation. As the art director of a magazine in Germany, I became interested in the menstrual products industry through its advertising. This is the first ad in a series of four (if I remember right). Click to enlarge.]


Click to enlarge.


Someone e-mails,

"You have on your Web site:

How do you know when an elephant has its period?

There's a nickel on your nightstand and your mattress is missing!

"That's the first part of a three-part joke that's v-e-r-y politically incorrect."

Part 2:

What do elephants use when they can't find a mattress? A pygmy.

Part 3:

How did Albert Schweitzer die? He was mistaken for a pygmy.

[Schweitzer was a famous doctor who lived and practiced in Africa.]



Why is it called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken!


A guy is trying to hook up with a woman in a bar. After quite a few drinks and all the attempts, she admits that she can not do anything because she has her period. At that point, the guy is so drunk and desperate that he doesn't care and takes her home anyway.

In the morning he wakes up alone in bed and tries to recall the events of the last night. All he can remember that he brought a woman into his house and now she is gone. He looks around to find his bed covered with blood. I KILLED HER!!! The man looks at his hands covered with blood THAT'S RIGHT - I KILLED HER!!! Devastated, he gets up and goes into the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror: AND ATE HER TOO!!!!!!!

An e-mailer writes, "Here's a couple dumb little jokes I've heard in Russian. :-)"

Guy, chatting online: Want to have virtual sex with me?

Girl: I'm sorry, I really can't.

Guy: Why not?

Girl: I have my virtual period.


A girl goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong me."

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"I saw on TV that when you use Tampax the fluid is blue, but mine is red!"


The e-mailer writes, "Okay, it may not be downright hilarious, but if you are a woman you will sympathize."

I used to work at a factory where you had to be at least 18 years of age to work there. Most of the women there were over the age of 25 and nearly all of them were mothers. (This little fact will be important as you read on.) I usually have my own set of "supplies" in my locker. These would include cough drops, lip balm, Tylenol, change for the pay phone and vending machines, and of course, tampons.

Well, one day I didn't have any since I forgot to restore my stash so I decided to get one from the vending unit in our restroom. To my horror these little items were smaller than the earplugs we wore because of the noise inside the shop! And to think about it, it would be nice to have a string in case you happened to lose an earplug! [Sounds like o.b.]


I showed my husband this site (I've never laughed so hard) and he told me that when he was a small boy he found several empty cardboard tampon applicators in the bathroom. He though they looked just like little machine guns, so he took them outside and nailed them to a tree for him and his friends to play with!

****

Nebraska


A site visitor sent this, a takeoff on "Intel Inside." Yes, he sent it to Tampax:


Writer Bob Stone, of Bob Stone's Serious Comedy (http://www.serious-comedy.com/), writes,

For many years I worked as a writer and performer for a New York City-based producer of shows for major corporations. One year we had Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kotex, as a client. A group of us were sitting around working on ideas for their upcoming internal (no pun intended) sales meeting.

Our funniest, and fastest minded member of our group suddenly said, "We open with ten guys in black face, riding bikes and playing banjos." We all fell silent and looked at him with large question marks appearing over our heads. After a perfectly timed silence he said, "We introduce them as "The Menstrual Cyclists!"

[The word play is on "minstrel," of course, which in the U.S.A. was usually a white man with a blackened face, imitating an African-American, who entertained in a group of men similarly made up. It was most popular during the 19th century, one group being the Original Christy Minstrels, upon which a modern group based its name: the New Christy Minstrels. See incredible sheet music of their songs in the Johns Hopkins University library - for example, this mind-bending example, which features a picture of a minstrel.]

I used to describe my first wife by saying, "She doesn't have periods. She has exclamation points!"

As I have mentioned, I've worked with a live animation process for many years, doing shows for major corporations. Once, during a show for Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kotex, I did something I had resolved never to do - I stole a line from another performer. I had heard this line years ago at a show at Chicago's [famous] Second City Improv troupe, and it was just so perfect to use here, that I couldn't resist.

There was no way to change it, to make it mine. I just stole it virtually word for word. I hereby make some small amends, and give them full credit for the concept and the words in the following line.

We were using a little old lady character, named Millie, to represent today's modern feminine hygiene consumer. In her conversation she was having with one of the Kimberly-Clark vice presidents, she says,

I can still remember when my mother first had that woman-to-woman talk with me. She took me on her knee, and said, "Millie, very soon a beautiful, wondrous, marvelous thing is going to happen to your body. It's called THE CURSE!

At another point she was reminiscing about the early days of feminine hygiene products.

Oh, sure, I remember what it was like . . . with all the belts, and snaps and buckles and suspenders. It was like being in traction five days a month!

 

A recipient of this picture, who later forwarded it to me, wrote, "Many, many, MANY years ago, when I sent my husband to the store for a Kotex belt, he came back with a leather belt that matched nothing in my closet."



What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a wounded mama bear seeing her little one attacked?

Well, the bear is more docile.


The contributor writes, "I heard this one from my cousin":

A vampire dies and goes to see God, who asks, "I am going to reincarnate you as an animal. What do you want to be?"

The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."

The vampire is reborn as a bat. One day, it's spotted by a farmer, who takes out his gun and shoots it. God says, "Back so soon? What do you want to be this time?"

The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."

The vampire is reborn as a mosquito and flies around preying on people. One day, one of its victims smacks it and it dies. Annoyed, God says, "You again! You can't be an animal this time, it's too much trouble. I'm going to make you an inanimate object. What do you want to be?"

The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."

God turns him into Kotex with wings.

The same contributor e-mails, "This is a story from my mother's high school days":

Physics teacher: . . . so if the length of the pendulum string is X, and the acceleration due to gravity is g, how long is a period?

Boy: Twenty-eight days.

The Dutch contributor writes, "I know it is stupid and I don't think it is funny, but I heard some boys in my old school make this joke one day and I remembered it - I don't know why. But I hope it will be useful for you!"

Hoe krijg je een hek in één dag rood? Laat je moeder erop zitten.

Pretty good joke, huh? OK, let's go to the next one. Oh, here's her translation:

How do you get a fence red in one day? Let your mother sit on it.


Young lady went to the counter with a box of Tampax and a pair of dark glasses.

Sales assistant asked, "Are you expecting sunny periods?"

A woman sent this, writing "This is not quite about the menstrual cycle, but still funny."

Genie: You may have three wishes!

Man: I would like to have the most beautiful wife ever, I want to be rich beyond belief, and I want to be hung like my horse over there.

Genie: You're wish is my command. Go to sleep and when you wake, you're wishes will have come true.

The man slept and when he awoke, he was happy to see a large mansion surrounding him and a beautiful woman lying in the bed. Being a man, he of course began undressing. After removing his boxers, he screamed in agony because he had forgotten that he was riding the mare that day.

The contributor writes, "A variation on another joke on the page; these are standard in Canada":

When do hockey players have sex?

Between periods.

Why do hockey players go to the dressing room between periods?

They need to change their pads.


**** from Colorado writes, "Here's an old one from the 70s."

A black man finds a magic lamp and rubs it. Out pops a genie, and tells the black man he can have three wishes.

He thinks for a while and finally says, "I want to be white, uptight, and out-of-sight."

Poof, he's a tampon!

[The joke appears in other forms in the stories way below.]

"Now here's one from at least the early 60s my dad told me growing up."

A young couple was driving through the country and the man asked his girlfriend if they could stop for a little afternoon romance.

The girlfriend said, "We should wait until were married. Besides, I'm on my period and I don't want to kiss a man chewing a plug of tobacco."

Finally the man talked her into it, and they stopped beside the road and wandered into the grassy field. He agreed to take his plug of tobacco out and placed it on a nearby stump. She took off her pad and also placed it on the stump for safe-keeping.

Later, driving down the country road, the young women said, "I don't think we should have done that. My crotch has been burning real bad ever since."

The man said, "I would have to agree. I have been spitting blood the last ten miles."


As a little girl I was very creative and liked to make things out of whatever I could find around the house. One day when I was six or seven I was rummaging around the bathroom and I came across something that seemed to make the perfect little purse. I had found one of my mother's maxi pads, opened it up, discarded the pad, attached a string to the plastic tri-fold wrapper, and slung it over my shoulder. I walked around the house with it for a while before my mother noticed me and burst into fits of laughter. I couldn't figure out what was so funny and why she wouldn't let me carry my little purse to school!


A German contributor sent this:

Here's one for those who did pay attention to their Latin lessons:

Why is "PMS" mostly used abbreviated?

Well,

p as in"prae"

p as in"post"

p as in "peri"

(for those who did not pay attention in school: prae = before, post = after, peri = around, while)


My sister's daughter walked in on her when she was inserting a tampon and she ran out of the room saying, "Daddy, Daddy, mum has a mouse hanging out of her."

Poor thing thought the string was a tail!


If a tampon is worn on the inside, why are they called tamp-ons and not tamp-ins?

Two female elephants are lying by the pool. One says to the other, "Do you want to come for a swim?"

"No, I can't, I've got my period."

"Oh, that's ok, why don't you use a sheep like I do?"


This is not a joke, but something to think about:

My sister and I have different ways of talking to our young children about the "facts of life." I try to answer all questions as honestly as possible, and my sister completely avoids such questions.

One day while I was babysitting her, my four year old niece came out of the bathroom and, somewhat concerned, told me "There's blood in the toilet." I quickly realized I had forgotten to flush, and replied "Oh...that's mine."

"What is it?" my niece asked, eyes wide.

Bracing myself for a discussion I was sure my sister was not going to appreciate, I took a deep breath, said "It's menstrual blood," and prepared myself for a barrage of questions.

My niece said "Oh," and walked off.


What is another name for a used tampon?

Vampire's tea bag


A woman contributes:

What lurks in the dark, has wings and sucks blood?

It's the new "Always ultra maxi pad."


A man writes,

My friend's nine-year-old daughter took a jumbo Kotex to school for show-and-tell and explained to the class that it was a large napkin.

[It IS actually, at least in America, where it's a "sanitary napkin." Funny expression, as if table napkins had nothing to do with sanitation.]


What do female meteorologists (weather forecasters) have?

Stormy periods!

The contributor writes, "true story":

I work in the Women's Clinic of a large public health department. One day during our regular staff meeting I complained that we had run out of "menstrual cards" - index cards printed with small calendars that women use to keep track of their menses. A co-worker, thinking she was being funny, remarked that "The Menstrual Cards" would be a great name for a Heavy Metal band.

I'd been waiting all my life for someone to hand me a straight line like that one, and dead-panned "Nope. They only play rag time."

A male writes,

A friend of mine had an idea for a Halloween costume. He thought he would wear a blue turtleneck and blue tights, paint his hands and face blue, and attach numerous tampons to himself. When asked what he was supposed to be, he would reply, "Why, Picasso's blue period, of course."


A sister-in-law [of this joke contributor] was explaining menstruation to her pre-menstrual little girl.

"All women do it," she said. "There's nothing wrong with it, nothing to be frightened of, . . ."

Suddenly her daughter burst into tears. Her mother asked her what was wrong.

The little girl sobbed: "I don't know how to do it and I'll never learn."

Herve Villachaize [the tiny actor] was a very smart investor and a compassionate man as regards people of his . . . stature.

With many of his million$ he not only built very nice residential conclaves specifically for his fellow dwarf/midget actors less fortunate than he, but he also allowed them to live, for life, in these little to-scale places at no cost to them.

They

came

to

be

known

as ...

"Stay-free mini-pads."


"Sani Knapp," in Sweden, writes,

A late friend of mine once stated that a sanitary napkin is the next best thing to the greatest thing in the world.


Woman (to companion): Do you know anything about antiques?

Companion: No, why?

Woman: Because I have this tampon, and I don't know what period it's from!


Two jokes similar to ones buried deeply on these ages:

1.) Why did the blonde jump off the bridge? She thought her maxi-Pad had wings!!

2.) A blonde went to the bathroom and when she came back, she couldn't find her pencil. All she could find was her tampon stuck behind her ear!

Well, here's another one!

Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? She thought she could fly because her pantyliners had wings.


A man sends something to think about:

Where would you be if you were not conceived? At the top of a tampon.


A woman e-mails,"I have two fairly disgusting jokes. You get to be the lucky recipient because I'm too squeamish, or something, to ever tell these out loud."

1. This first one is not strictly about menstruation but is still probably closely related.

Q. What's red and slimy and crawls up a woman's leg?

A. A homesick abortion.

I think when I first heard this joke I was in late grade school and barely knew what an abortion even was.

2. This one has the extra bonus of possibly being religiously offensive on top of its general ickiness.

Things were going along OK in the Garden of Eden until Eve got her first period. Adam freaked - she was *bleeding,* for heaven's sake - but Eve told him not to worry, she had expected it, and off she went to deal with it.

Adam was still pretty upset, so he had a talk about it with God.

"God," he says anxiously, "Eve is bleeding! I'm really worried there's something wrong!" So God explains everything to Adam, how this is perfectly normal, a sign of Eve's ability to bear children, and so on.

So Adam finally calms down, and then God looks around and says, "Hey, Adam, where is Eve anyway?" Adam says, "Oh, I think she went down to wash in the stream."

"The stream?" says God. "DAMN, I just finished getting rid of that fishy smell!"


A woman from Seattle contributed the following joke and wrote, "Dear Mr. Finley: I read about your site in 'The V Book: A Doctor's Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health,' by Elizabeth G. Stewart, M.D. (Bantam, 2002). I love both the book and your site! Keep up the good work!"

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" [There are variations of this in the humor below.]


One thong leads to a wedgie:

One day I decided to wear a really skimpy skirt to impress my guy - and of course I had to wear a thong. It was the last day of my period, so I decided to use one of those new thong panty liners [see what I think is the original one, from Sweden]. My best friend snuck up behind me and gave me a gigantic wedgie [um, it's when someone jams a hand or finger between the buttocks, forcing clothing to remain there]. The thong broke and my panty liner fell on the floor in front of everyone, including my guy! Later that day he came up to and told me he just wanted to be "friends."


The e-mailer calles this story "The importance of the silver box."

This happened a couple of years ago when I was a temp at a large corporation.

Ah, yes, I remember it well. The year was 2000. The day was well, I don't recall what day it was, but it was at least the second day of my menstrual cycle, and I had some feminine hygiene products to refresh. On this particular day at that particular moment, I took a break from my cube to do just that. Trying to make the best use of my time, I hurried as quickly as I could down the hall to the nearest restroom and slipped into the stall closest to the wall. I had brought with me a new Maxi (with wings!) and was all ready to make the switch when I noticed something missing from the stall's wall. Where was the silver box? You know what I'm talking about, ladies. The silver box in which to deposit the older feminine hygiene products. All stalls in women's restrooms have one. But it wasn't there! And without the silver box's flat surface, I had no place to rest the unused pad while I prepared for, um, installation. Except for the top of the round toilet paper dispenser, that is.

With a little determination and some balancing skills, I managed to prop the pad on top of the wheel-shaped dispenser where it would wait until I was ready for it. Just one problem, though: it didn't stay. Yes, the still-wrapped pad slipped onto the floor and glided oh-so-delicately into the stall next to mine just as someone else entered that stall and sat down. You can imagine my horror. Rather than invade my neighbor's privacy by reaching under the wall, however, I decided I'd wait to retrieve my prize until after she left. Never in my life have I waited so long for someone else to answer nature's call! After what seemed like hours, she finally finished her business, flushed and kicked my little tool back into my space without a word.

"Oh, thank you!" I piped cheerfully, trying to conceal my embarrassment. One would expect a "You're welcome" or even a "No problem, that happens to me all the time" in return, but, no, she remained silent and wordlessly exited the restroom.

"Jeeze!" I thought, as I completed my transaction. "How rude was that?"

It wasn't until I finished my business and left the stall that I realized why my friendly neighbor had not been so friendly after all. And why there wasn't a silver box in my stall. And why there were urinals along the wall in place of full-length mirrors.

Yes. I was in the men's room. This would also explain why the person who had previously occupied the stall next to mine had such big feet.


Secret lives of the well-known, continued: I took the following from Michael Kimmelman's review in The New York Review of Books (7 November 2002) of The Letters of Arturo Toscanini, compiled, edited, and translated from the Italian by Harvey Sachs (Knopf). In the last century Toscanini was one of the most famous conductors of classical music and had many sexual affairs, even in old age:

"Toscanini pesters [Ada] Mainardi ['the wife of a prominent Italian cellist . . . . {and} thirty years younger than Toscanini'] about sending clippings of her pubic hair ('tiny flowers') and a handkerchief (his euphemism is 'holy shroud') stained with her menstrual blood. 'And the little red handkerchief?' he writes. 'Since I can't quench my thirst directly at the delightful fount, I'm hoping for the surrogate. Don't forget.'"


A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

Next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!!"

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

A woman writes:

"In the early 70's my (twin) sister and I used to crack each other up with, 'Hang Loose, Mom Goose, your rags are dripping tomato juice.'"


The contributor writes, "I cannot be sure of the original source, but I think I heard it from Redd Foxx. I know that Gary Mule Deer used it his stand-up routine, too." There are other versions of the joke way down in this humor section.

Three little boys were walking down the street when they came upon a five-dollar bill. They could not think of the way to split the money evenly, so they decided to share it by buying something they could all enjoy.

The first boy said, "Let's go to the movies."

The second one said, "The movies cost two dollars a piece, we're still short one dollar. We should buy some candy instead."

The third one said, "If we spend the money on candy, it'll rot our teeth and our mothers will get angry. Why don't we stop at the drug store and buy a box of tampons?"

The first boy said, "Tampons are for GIRLS!"

The second boy said, "Why should we buy tampons?"

The third boy replied, "Because I saw on television that with tampons you can go swimming and horseback riding and . . . ."


The Onion, "America's finest news source," which convinced a Chinese news agency that the U.S. Congress was seeking a new building, announced on 24 July 2002 that the Health and Human Services Department of the U.S. federal government will test the nation on its knowledge of menstruation, just as it examined the entire nation for scoliosis recently. As it wrote:

The next mandatory HHS initiative is slated for October. Titled "It's Perfectly Natural," the program will address the topic of menstruation.

"We'll be giving out free Kotex sanitary napkins and tampons, and showing the 1973 film Donna, You're Not Alone," Krasnow said. "And if you men out there think you're exempt from attending, think again. We'll be holding a concurrent, men-only talk about what to expect from puberty. And let's refrain from the giggling, shall we?"


Secret lives of the well-known: In The New Yorker magazine for 20 May 2002, Martin Amis reviewed two new books about Queen Elizabeth II and wrote the following (p. 110):

"And that November [1992] it was revealed that [Prince] Charles had been recorded having a . . . chat with Camilla Parker Bowles. Long intrigued by the transmigration of souls, Charles saw himself reborn as 'God forbid, a Tampax,' so that he could 'just live inside your trousers.' . . . You could listen to Charles saying, 'I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out . . . particularly in and out.' Then you could listen to Diana saying, 'Bloody hell, after all I've done for this fucking family.'"


A male sent this:

Have you heard that new womens radio station yet?

WPMS. They play the blues for three weeks then they raga for a week.



Jokes from Portugal:

Here's a joke. Doesn't work in English, though:

- Is the word "telephone" masculine or feminine?

- It's masculine.

- What, with all those periods?

In Portuguese, "telephone" is indeed masculine but "period" is also used to describe telephone impulses.

Another one that does work in English:

A girl has her first period while she's in the school playground. Since she has no idea what it is, she shows it to a boy. He looks at it, then looks her in they eyes and says "Well, it's pretty obvious, innit? Someone cut your willy."

And an old one I didn't find in your page:

- Why do tampons have strings?

- So cooties can go bungee-jumping!


A married woman is having an affair. One day while she and her lover are in her bedroom, she hears her husband's car pulling up in the driveway.

Panicking, she shoves her boyfriend into the spare bathroom and bolts the door. Unfortunately for the boyfriend, the husband doesn't leave again for a couple of days. When he does, the woman opens the bathroom door and asks her lover if he's all right.

He says, "The light bulb burned out, so i couldn't see, but I'm okay."

She says, "You must be awfully hungry."

He says, "I'm fine. I found some bread and jam in the rubbish bin."


When my husband was a young boy, he and his brothers one day discovered their mother's tampons. After inspecting theses newly discovered devices, they promptly decided to play "WAR!" with them. My husband says they commando-crawled around on their bellies, ripped the paper from the tubes, "lit" the fuses and lobbed them at each other like sticks of dynamite! When his mom arrived home to find her sons rolling around their front yard littered with tampons, the crap really hit the fan. Because of this wonderful story, I call tampons "dynamite," and the code for my period around here is, "I'm packin' dynamite!"


This is one of many vampire jokes on this page:

What do they do with used tampons ?

They make chewing gum for vampires !

The Australian from Perth writes, "Hi, I stumbled across the site and have a joke to contribute; you could say one to put down to globalisation, as most viewers would know the characters!"

Q. How do you know when Barbie is on her periods?

A. One of your Tic-Tacs is missing.


The e-mailer writes,"No names, okay, otherwise she'll kill me - :)) True story, happened last year:

See, my dog (as all other dogs) loves picking stuff out of the rubbish to play with. Sometime last year, my cousin and his girlfriend were over at my place just hanging out and once again, I caught the dog with a folded piece of paper. So I called her over, usual reprimand and took the piece of paper from her (the dog). Squeezing it, I thought it was curiously spongy, so I walked into the lounge with it in my hand going, "Hmmm, what's this the dog has been chewing on?" (It honestly didn't occur to me!) Everyone else were equally puzzled and I was about to open the package when my cousin's girlfriend screamed and ripped it out of my hands, totally red-faced!! I've never been able to look at her with a straight face ever again.

Just sign me off as "A guy, of course."

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white mark on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mum fainted, and the man next door shot himself."


The contributor writes,"I remember reading this joke in a 'gross jokes' book in high school - I got a severe case of the giggles during class!"

What should you do if your Kotex catches fire?

Throw it down and tampon it!

What's red and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl.

[Sanitary towel means sanitary napkin in several countries, including the United Kingdom.]

From a male:

Hi,

Have you ever considered a museum display with items labeled "From the Renaissance Period."


What's the definition of Blood, Sweat, and Tears (they were a rock group in the 1960s/70s)?

A woman standing at a Kotex machine with a bent dime.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

"Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!!

[The story sounds vaguely familiar and it may already be on these pages, but I err on the side of caution.]


A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada employee."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie's right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

If your pads have wings, do you qualify for frequent flyer miles?


A woman writes,

I wish to pass on a story that my family periodically embarrasses my sister with.

My sister was all of four, or five, when my father came home one day to find her sliding quite skillfully across the marble floor of the hall in her bare feet. When questioned, she showed him her new "slippers" that she had discovered under the sink in my parent's bathroom. She had peeled the backing off the adhesive on the Kotex pads and stuck them to her feet!

These are variations of jokes found in the depths of these pages; I think we've almost exhausted menstrual humor:

Why don't hunters trust women?

Because they don't trust anything that bleeds for four days and doesn't die.


Three tampons are walking down the street - which one can you talk to?

None of them - they're all stuck up cunts!

[In America, "stuck-up" can mean "feeling too self-important to talk to perceived inferiors." "Cunt" is slang for "vagina," but also vulgar language for "woman" or "girl."]

And I thought Kotex was short for "cotton-like texture." Well, it is, but . . .

The E-mailer's story:

One day I was thumbing through a Polish dictionary and a word jumped out at me. Pussy! And then I read the Polish word and it is Kotek (so I guess the plural is kotex). Anyway, attached below is a poster I did and I would like you to put it on your Web site (if you could). I contacted Kimberly-Clark (right below) and they ignored me! I even sent them a hard copy:

Subject: Kotex

I found, in a Polish dictionary, a definition of the word "kotex," and guess what? It means "PUSSY"! I find this insulting and degrading to women.

["Pussy" is an American vulgar term for the female genitals.]

[Go to the right-hand column.]

 

Then I got this email from "Evelyn."

Dear [name withheld],

As mentioned in our previous e-mail, your comments were forwarded to the appropriate area.

You may be interested to know that KOTEK and KOCIAK mean "kitten," which is a baby cat. KOTEK is different from the word "KOTEX®" (which was named for cotton texture).

We appreciate the opportunity to respond to your concerns.

Evelyn

Consumer Services

Kimberly-Clark Corp.

Baby cat and kitten, my eye. I was in a bank one day showing the poster to someone and I live in a Russian neighborhood. A Russian man walked by and saw the poster and almost fell down from laughing. It's a dirty joke in Polish, Russian, German and Austrian!!!!


From Canada:

My niece was only ten when she got her first period. My sister had previously spent time with her reviewing the facts of life.

When her time came, my sister gave her a box of pads to use. The next day my niece asked my sister to buy new pads. When questioned as to why, my niece replied they "hurt too much."

My sister had my niece show her how she was using the pads. It appears my niece was pulling off the strip of paper and placing the sticky side up against her vagina as apposed to her underwear. Everytime she went to the bathroom, she pulled the pad off her pubic hair. OUch!!

For the brave mother, a jumping-off point to explain the birds and the bees

My sister told me of the story of when she was changing her tampon and her young son (about two years old) saw her doing it.

Later on she found her son trying to find a place to put a tampon for his own use.


A male sent this one:

The guy was so dumb that he thought a sanitary belt was a shot of whiskey in a clean glass.

"True story," writes the contributor:

At a small college faculty meeting the president turned to the chairman of the physical education department.

"Anything new in you department, Bill?"

"Yes, we've arranged for a representative of Tampax Corporation to give talks to our health education classes periodically."

(The poor guy later asked why everyone laughed.)


The contributor writes, "Love the Web site!"

Here's a true story which I would like to contribute to this section. I was at a gymnastics practice on April 7 when this happened.

We were taking a short break.

One girl offered, "Anybody want to play with a tampon? It's super-absorbent."

Her eleven-year-old friend said yes. She pushed it through the tube, while the girl sitting next to her told her how it was used.

The girl who had the tampon took it over to the sink.

"Let's see how super-absorbent it really is!"

She wetted it under the sink, thinking it would make a nifty swab.

She held onto the string, and scoffed,"Ah, this thing's stupid!" She swung it around on the string, letting go. It hit the wall above her head, and it stayed there until April 28.

The girl who initiated it with the offer gave her a pad.

"Anybody have their period? Anybody have a bleeding cut?" she asked, longing to get some menstrual fluid on it.

One girl had hers that day. The eleven year-old wanted to get something on there. She had cherry juice, so she poured it on the pad and stuck it to the wall. Nobody ever noticed, but we took the pad down. We never got in trouble, but if we'd left the pad up, we would have gotten in trouble. On April 28, someone pulled it off the wall. It landed in a basket of dumb bells. Someone pulled it out of there and threw it away. Part of it is still on the wall, becoming really fuzzy. We still find this very funny, and at every practice, it is something that we discuss and laugh about, thinking about the how we were so close to getting in trouble that it wasn't even funny.

A woman writes, "This is a joke I made up in 1998, the year that women's ice hockey finally came into its own at the Olympic Games."

Q - There was no fighting allowed during the women's hockey game, but there was still plenty of blood on the ice at the end. Why was that?

A - Because there were three periods in the game!

I must confess that I was inspired to do this joke as a result of one I heard during my adolescent days (1960s or early 1970s):

Q - Why is the schoolhouse red?

A - You would be, too, if you had seven periods a day!

"Periods" for times allocated to school classes or other activities, such as lunch, is a word used in the U.S.A. I don't know if it's used elsewhere. [At least three other countries use it: Germany, Portugal and Spain. See the "words and expressions" page.)

A woman who is a lead member of a women's health team at at large American health organization sent this one, a variation of one somewhere in the jungle of these joke pages:

How do you know that an elephant is on her period?

Your mattress is missing and there's a dime on your dresser.

A woman heard this in sixth grade, about 1985:

Why don't midgets wear tampons?

They keep tripping on the strings.


A writer in London sent this from Gershon Legman's "The Rationale of the Dirty Joke: Series One":

The scene is a hospital. A man is dying. The relatives are all creeping around the bed trying to get him to sign the will, but he is in a coma. They tiptoe out, leaving the young night-nurse in charge, and telling her to give him anything he wants but just to make sure he is alive to sign the will in the morning.

She sits down self-consciously with her science-fiction magazine and a glass of coffee, and prepares for a long night. About three in the morning the man stirs, moans and sits up.

"Nurse," he says, "nurse! I'm dying!"

"Now, it's all right, sir. Just lie back and be quiet. Everything is going to be all right."

"No," he says, "you can't fool me. I'm dying. I know it."

"Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable, sir?" says the nurse.

He stares at her, and she comes into focus before his bleary eyes: young and pretty and plump.

"Yes," he breathes, "there is something you can do for me. I've always said I'd go down on a woman before I died, and this is my last chance. What about it?"

The nurse is embarrassed.

"I wish you hadn't asked me that," she says; "I just happened to be having my periods."

"What the hell do I care? I'll be dead by morning!"

We draw the veil here for a few hours.

Sunrise. The relatives come creeping back with the will, and peer into dying man's bed to see if he is in shape to sign it. Nobody in the bed. They search high and low, but can't find him, and rush to the phone to call the morgue. Suddenly they hear a noise in the bathroom. They fling open the door, and there is the man standing there at the sink in his pyjama pants, shaving, and whistling "Britons Never Never Will Be Slaves" (or "The Proud Fort of Kraznahorka").

"Aren't you dying?" cry the relatives.

"Dying?! One more transfusion like that, and I'll live forever!"

(New York, 1943, from a Hungarian.)

The London contributor continues,

"Legman, a Freudian, adds, 'This is my favorite joke. Analyze away!'

"I think the reference to science fiction may be relevant, as Legman didn't like it. Some people I have told this joke to think it is brilliant, though others are a bit less enthusiastic; at any rate, it can be a good way of topping a series of "sick" jokes, though I don't really see that there's anything really disgusting about it. . . .

"If you happen upon either book [Legman also wrote 'No Laughing Matter'], snap them up as they're wonderfully funny - the first one anyway - not so much for the jokes, as for the commentary: Legman is strange, slipping in bits about the French national anthem being a ripped-off Mozart piano concerto (they are similar) and bits of autobiography, etc., as they occur to him: i.e., he kissed the best man at his wedding because he was looking at his wife in a certain way. He didn't like hippies, gays, or science fiction; but you don't have to agree with everything anyone says to enjoy them.

"The commentary on the joke I sent has a lot about alchemy: the mystical connection between semen and menstrual blood. I once tried to write a novel about this, did 100,000 words and then realised it was rubbish. Maybe a woman should write it, though I doubt would be any better."


A woman-and-man team sent this:

What did the mother vampire say to her children when she was on the rag?

Soup's On!!!!!!!!


A man remembers one from his college days, decades ago:

Question, asked to a guy:

What do you do when you come home at night and the front door is painted red?

Answer:

Go in the back door.


Humor alert!! A physician e-mailed that there is a cartoon in a recent issue of the American magazine Maxim about sex at different times of the menstrual cycle! (April 2001)

A man e-mails,

I was having some good belly laughs about menstrual jokes when I ran across this on your humor page:

A male site visitor suggests this variation of a riddle located far down this page (or the next one - or the next):

Q: What's bloody, monthly and sings?

A: The New Christy Menstruals. [The New Christy Minstrels was a singing group in America during the 1970s, I believe.]

Yes, the New Christy Minstrels was a singing group all right. One of their big hits was - you're gonna love this - "Yellow River"!

A woman from the University of Hamburg, Germany, sent this one:

Why does it take four premenstrual women to change a light bulb?

'CAUSE IT DOES, RIGHT?


Cheryl Lynne Bradley, President, Tarot Canada (http://TarotCanada.tripod.com/) sent these:

This is a long-time favourite expression of mine:

I'm a really tough broad, I've been rolling my own tampons for years.

[This formed part of the end of her e-mail: If you're psychic, think "Honk"!]


From 22-year-old Alfiya in Kyrgyzstan, Central Asia, who read this in a magazine:

After 10 days of delay even menstruation is a holiday.


A woman from a distinguished university in New York e-mails,

Hi Harry,

What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

"You are the wind beneath my wings . . . ."

Silly!


An Australian e-mailed this one:

I first heard this joke in a school cafeteria and shared by a bunch of ten-year-olds. The school context is important.

What's the definition of a period?

A waste of fucking time.

[Note to non-native English speakers: "Fucking," vulgar language for sexual intercourse, can also strengthen declarations - as above, in one sense - but not, please, in polite company. "Period" is the length of an-hour-or-so section of instruction during the day in a school below university level as well as meaning the menstrual period. Sorry to be pedantic.]


The woman contributor writes, "You have variations of the elephant/sheep tampon joke up on your Web site [see several in the hundreds of jokes below]; I have a third part:

What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep

 

Why do elephants have trunks?

Because sheep don't have strings

 

What's the moral of this joke?

Don't wear red sweaters!



A woman wrote, "Saw a couple of bumperstickers recently":

IT'S CALLED PMS BECAUSE MAD COW DISEASE WAS ALREADY TAKEN

WHO LIT THE FUSE ON YOUR TAMPON?!?


A gentleman who has contributed before sent this one:

A woman went over to her girlfriend's house and said, "Sally, the drugstore has a new druggist and he can tell what your prescription is just by looking at you!"

So Sally walked over to the drugstore. The druggist looked at her and said, "You want suppositories, don't you?"

"No," said Sally. "I want tampons!"

"How far off was I?" said the druggist.


While listening to WGMS radio in Washington, which broadcasts classical music, and updating this very page, I opened this e-mail:

My sister, who resides in Washington, D.C., informed me that there is a popular new radio station there. She told me the call letters are WPMS, and the music format is as follows: for three weeks they play nothing but blues, but the fourth week they play ragtime.


Hormonal in Toronto writes, "This one has to be old - it's Egyptian."

Cleopatra to Marc Antony:

"Not tonight - I have my Pyramid"


A male site visitor suggests this variation of a riddle located far down this page (or the next one - or the next):

Q: What's bloody, monthly and sings?

A: The New Christy Menstruals. [The New Christy Minstrels was a singing group in America during the 1970s, I believe.]


The contributor writes, "This one's a fairly common joke; I saw a variation of it in the humor section [below]":

How can you tell when a blonde secretary has her period?

She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pen.


A woman, I believe, writes,"I heard this in a bar and I thought it was amusing":

Q: What do you call a 6.9?

A: A beautiful thing ruined by a period


An American male sent this joke, which is similar but not identical to several others deep in this humor section (pay careful attention to the second-to-last word in the last line):

Q: What did elephants use to use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: Why did the elephants stop using sheep for tampons?

A: They heard about the toxic flock syndrome.


A woman from Slovenia sends these two "blonde jokes":

Why does a blond never change her sanitary pad?

Because it says "ALWAYS" on the box. [Always is the most popular brand of menstrual pad in the U.S.A.]

 

What does the blonde do when she menstruates?

Searches for the guy who shot her.


Male reactions to menstruation start early, in New Zealand, anyway:

When I had only been menstruating for a little while, I was invited into town to see a movie. I put an applicator tampon into my bag because I wasn't sure when my period was due.

I arrived home later very grateful not to have needed it and with several lollies left over from the movies. Being as generous as I am I told my younger brother that he could have one lolly but he'd have to get it himself, then check with me.

To my mother's and my own amusement my bro pulled out the applicator tampon and said, "I'll have this one, it's the biggest!"

I had to explain his mistake and to top it off he dropped it with a look of horror and ran screaming from the room!


Embarrassment with her little brother: yet another true story

I broke my leg and had to use crutches, which was really hard and annoying; to make matters worse, I started my period. I went to the kitchen to throw away my pad (we keep a garbage can in the kitchen) and I dropped it on the floor and I couldn't bend over to get it, but "thankfully" my younger brother picked it up for me, saying"What is this?"


Premenstrual syndrome in Canada?

Here in Ontario, Canada, PMS means Putting up with Men's Shit!


No center-ring action in this poem a man sent:

The man calls out,

"The tent poll is up and the canvas is spread, to hell with breakfast, come

back to bed."

The wife calls back,

"Take the tent poll down, put the canvas away, the monkey's got a hemorrhage,

there will be no circus today."


I'll add MENotoxin (a presumed poison in menstrual blood) to the list:

MENtal breakdown

MENace

MENarche

MENdacious

MENingitis

MENtal retardation

MEN!!!


A woman send "a couple of true tales and a really tasteless joke":

I had two younger brothers who crafted a wonderful fort out of all those perfect white tubes (tampon applicators) they found in the bathroom trash can. My mother almost had a stroke; thank heavens she always insisted we rinse the blood off them before we trashed them!

I had a cat who unwrapped unused tampons and carried them around like dead mice as often as she could get her paws on one. Imagine my delight the day I pulled one out from between the cushions of the couch while talking to my husband's best friend.

And one day, I was fresh out of the shower and drying my hair with my foot propped up on the commode, and (another) my cat jumped up and tried to yank out the string with his teeth! Glad for good muscle control at that moment. I kept the bathroom door shut after that!

A joke:

Q. Why did the woman wear a tampon when she went skydiving?

A. To keep the wind from from whistlin' right on through!


The mystery of current American politics and menstruation, as thought up by a male visitor:

Recently a young lady streaked [ran naked through] a small southern town during a rain storm while having her period.

As she ran by a group of people, she heard one man say, "Is that a boy or a girl?"

"Oh, that was a boy," said another man and a Republican.

"How could you tell?" said the first man.

"The Bush campaign is in the red!"


This two-liner comes from Australia, as do many e-mails to MUM; explain that!

Why did the tampons have bells on them?

For use during the festive period.


Warning! As your MUM I forbid you to read this if you, um, you - aw, read it; you're on this site anyway. But it does strongly criticize men, which I know will upset many of you!!

I saw the poem on your humor page that starts out the same as this one. The version that my friend sent to me [below] is considerably more crude, but I still found it funny.

 

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess

I have two mounds upon my bodice

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee

I can justify any shopping spree

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon

Can get a massage without a hard-on

 

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas

Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

I always save money by using coupons

Can admit to others when I am wrong

 

Don't drive in circles at any cost

So I don't have to admit when I am lost

Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon

Every time I go to the john [toilet]

 

Let me tell you men

Listen to me boys

Those things in your pants

That you treat like toys

You love them much more than we ever will

We'd much rather suck on a cold pickled dill

 

I spend two hours preparing for a date

Only to find you're two hours late

I don't watch movies with lots of gore

Don't need instant replay to remember the score


Don't go "yeeuuukkkk"! Scroll down for more vampire jokes.

Hi,

Keep up the good work!! I only hope this doesn't make too many of you out there go "yeeuuukkkk"!

There was a young vampire called Mable,

Whose periods were ever so stable,

On every full Moon,

She'd pick up a spoon,

and drink herself under the table.

I think I saw this in a University Rag Mag back in 1976/77.

It's nice to hear two guys bragging about their wives, right?

Two men from Iowa were sitting at a bar, and the first guy says, "My wife is a CPA [certified public accountant] and she's good with money."

The second guys says, "That's nothing! My wife runs her own business. I only wish she were good with money, though.

"How so?" says the first man.

"Well, at that certain time of the month the wife's baby factory is always in the red!"


But some people don't believe PMS exists.

Q. Why is it called PMS?

A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


This one came via two intermediary e-mailers from funny@netfunny.com:

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down, etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using female products - correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. (Insert Twilight Zone theme here.)

OK. A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M.) [Time of Month, i.e., menstrual period] I go back to the cupboard, and VOILA! there is only ONE tampon left again.

What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL, I decided to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and LO and BEHOLD, at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind.

I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said, "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"

My 12-year-old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10-year-old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff, and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!"


This just in:

I am not sure if I am telling this right because I heard it from a friend. [!]

A little girl asked her teacher if she could go to the bathroom. A little boy went up to the teacher and said that it wasn't fair.

The teacher asked him why.

He told her because the girls get a candy dispenser in their bathroom!


I'm glad these stories don't require warnings! Well, maybe the third one does.

Mr. Finley,

Here's a funny little incident that still provokes chuckles at family get-togethers.

When I was 12 and my younger brother was about eight, we were riding in the car with my mother. For some reason - maybe looking for candy or a pen - he started going through my mom's purse, which was on the seat next to him. He pulled out a tampon, still in its wrapper.

"What's this?" he asked, baffled.

My mom and I exchanged glances. I began to giggle, but finally she came up with an answer.

"It's a lady's cigar," she said.

Since my dad was a big cigar smoker and my brother had often seen him carrying those tube-shaped cigar containers, this answer made perfect sense to him. Eventually, mom did get around to explaining the facts of life to him, but I thought it was a pretty clever stall!

Feel free to use this story on your (fabulous!) Web site. But please don't use my name - to save my bro from embarrassment!


You site cracked me up. Anyhow, I noticed some of the humor referenced Polacks [an offensive term for people from Poland] and Aggies. In Texas, students from Texas A & M, called Aggies, are the butt of many a stupid joke. The same jokes are told in the northern states, except as Polack jokes.

Here is my story:

My wife to be was working at McDonalds, and during her shift they ran out of napkins. The quick-thinking manager sent one of the male employees to the grocery store to get enough napkins to hold them over until a delivery arrived later.

Unfortunately, the manager sent one of the foreign college students to the store. Not being too familiar with the nuances of the English language, the employee returned with several boxes of sanitary napkins. The sad thing was that the foreign employee had no idea why everyone was laughing.


A friend sent this from the Internet:

To all the girls...

IT'S A GIRL THANG!

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess

I have two mounds upon my bodice

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee

Can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon

Can get a massage without a hard-on

I can balance the checkbook,

pump my own gas

Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.

 

At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles at any cost,

And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.

I never forget an important date

You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late

I don't watch movies with lots of gore

Don't need instant replay to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,

I don't get jock itch,

And just 'cause I'm assertive,

Don't call me a bitch!

I don't wear the same underwear everyday,

The food in my fridge has no sign of decay. (Not Usually)

Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,

Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art

Don't say to your friends,

Oh yeah, I can get her

In your dreams, my dear,

I can do better!

Flowers are okay,

But jewelry's the best.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT MY FACE, NOT AT MY CHEST

I don't have a problem

Expressing my feelings

I know when you're lying,

You look at the ceiling .

Don't call me a girl,

A babe or a chick.

I am a WOMAN,

Get it, you prick?!


Arthur sent this one for advanced visitors:

John goes to his friend's house on Saturday. He knocks on the door and his friend Hans opens.

Hans asks, "Hi, John, is your girlfriend having her period?"

John - quickly rubbing his face all over with his right hand - replies, "Can you see it??"


A frequent correspondent, a woman, sent this one:

Harry,

I had to send you this one right away:

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.

He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks, "Bloody hell, what happened last night??"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, "What happened last night? Who was I with? Must have been a wild party."

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag!"


I think this one exists in the depths of this page, but a reader tells it again in a different form (I think):

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you again in 28 days


This variation of a previous joke is from a male site visitor:

One for the "bad taste" section (pun not intended) of your humor page:

Why do tampons have strings?

For people who floss after eating


A woman sent this new menstruation-and-religion item. Warning! This is sacrilegious!

I'm pretty new at this Web surfing, but I love your museum and found a news article on a site that would fit in perfectly on your site. It is here. Go to the Worst of the Web link and then the article about the woman who claims to have an image of Jesus on a light day sanitary pad. There is also a picture.

Keep up the great work!


These from a frequent contributor:

Ten ways to know if you have PMS:

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper

sticker that says "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he IS male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


The sender of this one works in a construction office with "lots of standard-issue testosteroids":

What do you call subsidized housing for dwarfs?

Stay-Free Mini Pads


A Norwegian girl sent this, the site's second Norwegian joke; here's the first:

In Norwegian:

Alle barna hoppet i fallskjerm, unntatt Inger, hun brukte Libresse med vinger.

Translated:

All the children jumped with a parachute, except for Inger - she used Libresse with wings. [Libresse is a Scandinavian pad from the SCA Mølnlycke company. See more about the company on this site; here's the SCA Web site.]


A site visitor supplies the "wood-eye" story I had forgotten but mentioned somewhere below on this page. The American humorist Mark Twain told a similar story:

There once was a girl who went to a school dance but knew that no one would ask her to dance. This is because she had enormous buck [protruding] teeth. So she stood against the wall along with all the other plain girls.

Well, lo and behold, this guy with a wooden eye gets up the courage to ask her to dance.

He shyly approaches her and says, "Would you like to dance?"

She is so overjoyed she says, "Would I?! Would I?!"

At which the man angrily replies,"Buck teeth! Buck teeth!"


Premenstrual syndrome - PMS - strikes!

I've visited your site several times and want to thank you for the great info you provide. I found a funny site about a guy who's wife has pms 365 days a year and breathes fire on him when she's angry.


I'm going to get into trouble for this one, but I've been in trouble before . . . .

How do you get a woman to pick cotton?

Light the string on fire.


I hope the Web police don't find this joke-submitter!

I really don't know why I'm even surfing this site!! I'm one of the most uptight, conservative people there is, but for some reason, I'm reminded of a period joke.

It seems two hippies wanted to get married, and somehow figured that the best way to do this was to hire a minister. Well, during the pre-wedding interviews, the poor minister couldn't figure out which one was the woman for their long hair.

Hard as he tried, he just couldn't decide which of the couple was which. So he decided to just come right out and ask.

Very embarrassed, he asked the couple, "Which one of you shave their legs (a very common practice in North America)?" To which they both replied that they didn't.

Next the minister asked simply, "Which of you has the menstrual cycle?" One of the hippies turned to the other, "That must be you, I drive a Honda."

Read Spooky's nonmenstrual "Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run"


This joke is a change of sorts, but . . . .

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," the doctor coaxed, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange. . . ."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh."

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change!"


Tampax will never live down its ancient (but accurate, I think) ad campaign of what it can do for women. Here's another variation of the joke:

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom."

Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

Nine-year-old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my four-year-old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"


What's the best sanitary napkin for girls who go dancing?
Discotex.

When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress is mad at you?
She leaves the string in.


A woman with a liberal mother sent this one; it's for advanced visitors only; unadvanced visitors please skip this one and proceed immediately to the next two:

Hi, Harry,

I just remembered this one from a dirty joke book I had when I was little (my mom used to let me buy these for some reason).

Why are women like clams?

Because you can't eat them during the red tide!

A friend of MUM sent the next two; I think the second one exists in a variation somewhere in the depths of these joke pages:

THE HOWL

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, Dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home-cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right? Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without your forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

 

FEELING FRESH

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . . ."


Let men beware! The female sender of this story wrote that it's "nice and evil":

THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM

The gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies' restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise NOT to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR."

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him.

The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button.

A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies' room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure!

He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.

A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies' restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is the Automatic Tampon Remover.

"Your penis is under your pillow."

Hey, I'm tolerant, but I don't know if I like this joke; I sure don't like the nurse!


Possibly a flower child, maybe only in spirit, sent this one:

An old joke from the Sixties concerned a beatnik or hippie who had painted his one-room flat totally white with one blue stripe around the walls.

"Hey," his friends asked. "What's all this?"

"Yo," he replied. "It's my sanitary pad." (Pad was a Sixties hippie term for apartment.)


This jokester shares with a former president of The Society for Menstrual Cycle Research a liking for this joke:

This has been a favourite joke of mine for over 40 years:

Did you hear about the cross-eyed seamstress? She couldn't mend straight.


Here's a variation of an earlier joke:

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender walks up and says, "What can I get you guys?"

Two vampires say, "We'll take a Bloody Mary." The third vampire says, "I will have a cup of hot water." The bartender looks at him weirdly and says O.K.

The next night they come back to the same bar and order the same things, two Bloody Marys and one cup of hot water. The bartender still thinks that strange but doesn't say anything.

The next night they come in to the same bar. They order the same thing, two Bloody Marys and one cup of hot water. The bartender can't hold his curiosity anymore and asks the third vampire, "Why do you have a cup of hot water when your buddies have Bloody Marys"?

Then vampire opens his cape and pulls out a bloody tampon and says, "I like tea instead!"


St. Theresa, although probably not the one of Catholic Church fame, has something for you to look at; be sure to read the fine print at the bottom of the page.


PMS - premenstrual syndrome - strikes again:

I enjoyed your joke site immensely.

How about this one:

I think that the U.S. should allow women in combat ONLY when they have PMS. That way they would be able kill men, women, children, or anything else without any qualms.


I think there may be an elephant joke buried somewhere on these pages, but not this good one:

Great site! I just went through part one of the humor section, and of course this joke is probably in part two or three, but here goes:

How do you know when an elephant has its period?

There's a nickel on your nightstand and your mattress is missing! [A nickel is five cents, a small amount of money in America.]

Have put the site in favorites; will try [!] to get my teenage stepdaughter and all her friends to have a look at it.


Here's another version of the joke below this one from a woman who writes,

The version I learned was:

What's black and white and red all over?

A pregnant nun in the confessional.

Not menstrual related, but I still say it's funnier.


A woman nearing menopause remembered this riddle from her childhood:

What's black and white and red all over?

A menstruating nun falling down the stairs.


An Ames, Iowa, woman sent this euphemism:

My grandmother, her two young adopted sons and my favorite aunt were visiting from out of town a few weeks ago and when my aunt announced, leaving the bathroom, that "Aunt Flo(w)" (an old family term for menstruation) had come to visit, the youngest sat up from his coloring book and said, "I sure would like to meet her someday."


The never-die - well, read it:

Here's a joke that's been passed down through my circle of friends since the sixth grade [about 11-12 years old]:

One day Marlon Mosquito was flying through the air, when he smelled a wonderful cook-out. He went there and as the pests that mosquitoes are, he was killed.

So when he got to Heaven he asked God for another chance. He wanted to be something that could fly and sucked blood, so God made him a bat. Once again he was killed.

He went to God and asked for another chance. God told him he had already had another chance, plus Heaven has a second-time-no-return policy. But the bat/mosquito begged for one more chance.

God gave in. Marlon asked to be something that had wings, and sucked blood, so God made him a maxi pad!!!!!


A bus ride provided the birth place for this Q&A:

Hi to whomever this may concern!

I think you may have probably heard something like this but I'm going to share my joke anyway:

Question: What's red and white, has wings but does not fly?

Answer: A used pad

I made that joke up on a bus ride and my friends thought it was great and told me I should submit it to the Humor section of the Museum of Menstruation!!! Hope you enjoy!!! [I did!]

Sincerely,

A- , from Massachusetts


The writer says her youngest son will kill her, but . . .

When my youngest son was around eight years old, he, his then 11-year-old brother and I were going over to their aunt's house. As I walked into the garage the 11-year-old tattled that his little brother was hiding something in his back pocket. I demanded that he show me what it was. I'm sure I turned red, even though I was laughing, when he produced from his pocket a pair of karate nunchucks (I doubt I spelled that right): two tampons tied string to string!



A poet sent the following e-mail and poem:

I wrote this for an on-line poetry forum called The Writer's Block. Someone suggested I submit it to your Web site.

You can't imagine how much I smiled and laughed when I visited the site.

Here's my contribution, I hope you like it [I do!]

"of the gifts"

By Nadia Di Paola , © 1999 nadia di paola

 

of the gifts i could have chosen

in the raffle-bowl of life,

i drew the shiny, crimson token

of righteous feminine strife.

 

i do not spit on my delicate prize,

never would dishonor my place,

i hold its glory in greatest size

to my tender breast and bitter face.

 

but a complaint or two, i disclose,

for the ignorant of our plight:

bleeding away in false repose

puts the sour where once was bright.

 

naught else would i ask in return

than a night or two of dear sleep,

fearless of the gushing nocturne

upon the great canvas of my sheet.

 

with each occasional midnight trip

in homage to the linen disgrace,

i curse my faucet taken to drip

when i least can take its trace.

 

whosoever gifted me this red dream

let him laugh his benevolent best,

i only desire from him to glean

why those four days are such a mess?

 

* * *

Copyright © 1999 by nadia di paola, All rights reserved


A Romantic lady sends this, from Tennyson's "Lady of Shallot":

... The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

You must read two good books called The Curse that appeared in the past ten or so years.


A very funny woman I know sent this one about the often-slandered Texas A & M University students, Aggies (short for "agricultural," referring to people sometimes not thought to be sophisticated; "A & M" stands for "Agricultural and Mechanical"). And radio stations in the United States have identifying groups of letters starting with either K or W.

According to the Aggie Sex Quiz, Kotex is a radio station in Dallas


A cat and a tampon, from a Leicester, England, reader:

We used to have a beautiful little black cat called Moglit (sadly killed by a car when she was quite young). As well as being adorable, she was also unusually smart for a cat.

One day in spring when we had the back door open, we sat in the living room when Moglit came in, very excited, and started meowing and running in and out of the room.

When we followed her, we found a dead baby blackbird neatly laid out on the back doorstep - she'd obviously decided that we wouldn't appreciate having it brought into the house. So we stroked her and told her what a clever girl she was and Moglit went off back into the garden, very pleased with herself.

A few days later we had the same performance. But when we followed her out to the back door, we found not a hapless bit of wildlife, but an equally neatly arranged used tampon. "That" one she didn't get praised for!

[MUM director here. That reminds me of a story. A month ago my smaller black cat, Zeena, knocked a washable pad from a museum wall display (now a bit decrepit since the museum closed) and it fell on the floor. Crouched down, tense, she stared at it, six feet away. She decided to make her move.Very slowly, eyes like saucers, she crept toward the pad, ears flattened. When within arm's reach, she extended her paw, almost reluctantly, body shaking. The microsecond she touched it, she leaped and spun in the air, flipping the pad three feet up with her claw, and fled to under a chair. Menstruation can have that effect.]


These just in:

PMS in the Bible

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS [premenstrual syndrome]."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and said PMS is in the Bible. He showed her a passage that read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[You enjoyed that, didn't you!? For penance, read a discussion of religion and menstruation.]


Ode To A Mammogram

For years and years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts,

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests.

 

So I heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And I always wore my bra.

 

After 30 years of astute care,

My doctor found a lump.

She ordered up a mammogram,

To look inside that bump.

 

"Stand up very close," she said,

As she got my boob in line.

"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.

"Ah yes! There, that's fine."

 

She stepped upon a peddle.

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate pressed down and down,

My boob was in a vice!

 

My skin was stretched and stretched,

From way up under my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish pancake thin.

 

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within it's vice-like grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tits!

 

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,

Who does she think she's kidding?

My chest is mashed in her machine,

And woozy I am getting.

 

"There, that was good," I heard her say

As the room was slowly swaying.

"Now let's have a go at the other one."

"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

 

It squeezed me from up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides,

I'll bet she's never had this done,

Not to her tender little hide!

 

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped, Ker-pow!

 

This machine was designed by man,

Of this I have no doubt,

I'd like to stick his balls in there.

And see how they come out!


NEXT

Send in your jokes, cartoons, etc., so others can enjoy them!

See also humor in advertising

NEWS | homepage | LIST OF ALL TOPICS | MUM address & What does MUM mean? | e-mail the museum | privacy on this site | who runs this museum?? |
Amazing women! | the art of menstruation | artists (non-menstrual) | asbestos | belts | bidets | founder bio | Bly, Nellie | MUM board | books: menstruation and menopause (and reviews) | cats | company booklets directory | contraception and religion | costumes | menstrual cups | cup usage | dispensers | douches, pain, sprays | essay directory | extraction | famous women in menstrual hygiene ads | FAQ | founder/director biography | humor | huts | links | masturbation | media coverage of MUM | miscellaneous | museum future | Norwegian menstruation exhibit | odor (olor)| pad directory | patent medicine | poetry directory | products, current | religion | your remedies for menstrual discomfort | menstrual products safety | science | shame | slapping, menstrual | sponges | synchrony | tampon directory | early tampons | teen ads directory | tour of the former museum (video) | underpants directory | videos, films directory | Words and expressions about menstruation | Would you stop menstruating if you could? | What did women do about menstruation in the past? | washable pads

Take a short tour of MUM! (and on Web video!) - FAQ - Future of this museum - Tampon Safety Act - Visit or contact the actual museum - Board of Directors - Norwegian menstruation exhibit - The media and the MUM - Menstrual odor - Prof. Mack C. Padd: Fat Cat - The science and medicine of menstruation - Early tampons - Books about menstruation - Menstrual cups: history, comments - A Note from Germany/Neues aus Deutschland und Europa - Letters - Links

© 2002-2006 Harry Finley. It is illegal to reproduce or distribute work on this Web site in any manner or medium without written permission of the author. Please report suspected violations to hfinley@mum.org