News has just arrived that a manuscript in the hand of Eva Braun (Hitler's mistress) has just been discovered.
It was to have been published in 1939 but the outbreak of the war and Hitler's objection to the subject matter - Eva's difficulties with her menstruation - doomed it to obscurity until now.
The title? "MEIN KRAMPF" (My Cramp)
If someone is bothering you, just say, "I have PMS and a GUN. Excuse me, did you have something to say?"
Most problems that women have have to do with men.
Did you hear about the [fill in a member of the ethnic group of your choice] who tried to exchange his wife's menstrual cycle for a Honda?
Hi! Here's a non-menstrual (but very cute) version of one of your genie jokes [here's the last one].
An elderly woman finds a lamp, yada yada yada, the genie appears and offers her three wishes.
"Well," she says, "I want to be restored to my former youth and beauty forever."
"Done," says the genie, and turns her into a ravishing young woman.
"Okay, now I want wealth beyond my wildest dreams."
"Done," says the genie, and vast mountains of gold and jewels appear.
"For my last wish, I want you to turn my cat into a handsome young man."
"Okay," says the genie, and a gorgeous young man appears where the old tabby had been.
The young woman crooks a finger at the man suggestively. "Come here!" she purrs.
The young man says, in a high-pitched, squeaky voice, "Now aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"
Now let me leave you with a very bad riddle, shared in fits of giggles in about the 4th or 5th grade:
Q: Why is the little red school house so red?
A: You would be too if you had six periods a day.
First of all, I would like to say that I really enjoy your page. Your idea of a menstrual museum is so clever! [Thanks!]
Anyway, I have decided to share a story that I learned during my preteen years in the late 80's and early 90's. It is kinda corny, but what can you expect from the mouth of a 9-year-old?
"One day, a lady had to go to the mall to go shopping. She couldn't find a babysitter for her young son, so she decided to take him with her. During her shopping trip, she had to use the restroom, and naturally, since she had no one to watch her son, she took him into the bathroom with her.
"When they entered the bathroom, the boy saw a machine in the corner. He asked his mom if he could have some money for the candy machine. She gave him a dime. He put the dime in the machine and out came a tampon. Thinking it was candy, he ate it.
"He then saw a trash can near the door of the bathroom. In the can, he noticed a used tampon. By that time, his mother was out of the bathroom. The boy exclaimed to her, "Mommy! I found some of that candy with bubble gum on it! He then ate it as his mom watched in shock. The boy's mom was horrified and embarrassed. She had no idea that the candy machine the boy talked about was actually a tampon machine."
Well, that's it. Wish I had more for you, but out of all the stories me and the girls exchanged, that was the only one that stuck out in my mind, and I managed to remember all these years.
Good luck to you and your museum and site, and take care!
Ok, I'm fluent in Portuguese; I learned both English and Portuguese as a child.
So, here I am submitting my translation of that joke that won't go away [scroll down and you'll find many discussions and versions of it, including the original]. Some of the translations I must say have been very bad.
Ok, here goes:
A brand new salesman at a department store waited on a customer and sold him a fishing rod, a hook, fishing clothes, books, an inflatable boat, and a motor.
The surprised manager asked him how he managed to make such a big sale. The salesman answered that when the customer came in he had asked where to find Tampax. So, the salesman asked, "And what are YOU going to do this weekend?"
Popa, which someone translated as poop, actually refers to the rear part of the boat, which is where the motor would go.
(By the way, I'm first generation born in the United States to Portuguese parents.)
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and got directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course. He asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened. And he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the clubhouse where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew her.
The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a saleswoman. Well, I'm in sales too. What do you sell"?
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
What does a lesbian couple do when they both have their periods?
This happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend's mom.
She went to the gynecologist for her "annual thrill" (aka yearly check-up). As she was sitting in the stirrups, the doctor lifted up on the sheet and turned to the nurse and said "Fancy."
The patient had no idea what he meant, and blushed a little. The doctor continued through the exam with a "half-smile" the whole time, and blushing at times.
When she got home, her neighbor came over to have coffee and gossip. As they were sitting there talking, she told her about the uncomfortable situation with the doctor. The neighbor asked if she used a perfume-scented soap, or some sort of "FDS" [feminine deodorant spray, also a brand] product. She said that she always uses the same feminine spray and went over to the bathroom to get it.
She handed it to the neighbor, the container of what she thought was "FDS." As her neighbor laughed hysterically she read the container. It was her teenage daughter's hair glitter spray!
An American in Frankfurt, Germany, whose job it was to lay out a weekly newspaper in precomputer days - he had to use rub-on type to make headlines, mark up long columns of type for the printer, paste type in place, etc. - had just finished his job at one in the morning and was getting on a bus to go home.
While paying his fare, the German bus driver stared at him, smiled, shook his head and gave him a ticket. The tired American figured the driver needed a rest, too, because of the hour.
But as he looked for a seat, he noticed that riders up and down the aisle were giggling and whispering to their neighbors.
Finally he reached home and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.
He glanced in the mirror and saw a huge rub-on letter "D" stuck in the middle of his forehead, which probably got there while holding his head, pondering where to put the next column of type.
The German bus riders might have thought that this was just another American fashion; everyone would be doing it next month.
Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Q: Why is white wine a good douche?
A: 'Cause white wine goes with fish.
Q: What did Picasso and Princess Diana have in common?
A: Blue periods.
Q: What do a Polish woman and a basketball player have in common?
A: They both shower after the fourth period.
This is a joke my little sister told me:
You can't see it. And it has wings, but it can't fly. What is it?
Answer: Libresse invisible. [Libresse is a pad made in Europe.]
This joke my friends and I knew already at the age of eleven:
What do vampires use as a tea-bag?
Answer: A used tampon
Why does a tampon have a string?
So that the groin louse can do bungee jumps.
How do you know that a female Aggie [a student at Texas A & M University] is menstruating?
She is only wearing one sock.
Did you hear about the new delivery service called UPMS ?
They deliver packages whenever the hell they feel like it!!
What do you call a roomful of women and half of them have PMS [premenstrual syndrome] and the other half have a yeast infection [in their vaginas]?
A whine and cheese party.
Last Monday while I was taking a shower, my two-year-old son got into the bathroom drawer and got out a box of pantyliners.
He peeled the backing off one and said "sticker!" He proceeded to stick two or three on the wall. No harm, I thought, it's not a big enough deal to get out of the shower.
Then he left the bathroom with the box.
When I came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, he and his four-year-old brother had decorated the refrigerator with pantyliners (it was a big box, 40 or so in it). They also stuck them on their clothes, on the outside.
"Ha ha," I thought, laughing as I cleaned up the mess, "how cute."
Later that day, when I picked them up from preschool, my older son's teacher pulled me aside to tell me that she noticed when he went to the potty, he had a pantyliner stuck to his penis and bottom, sticky side towards his skin! She had to pull it off for him. (OUCH!)
1) Why is James Brown [an American popular singer] like a tampon?
A: He's uptight, outta sight, and in the groove!
2) What do you get when you cross a woman with PMS [premenstrual syndrome] and ESP [extrasensory perception]?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
My daughter goes to a private Muffy [explained below] Montessori school, and she had this 60-year-old drill-sergeant-type teacher whose name was Mrs. Shields. After we saw her teacher running around in the red flowered shorts from Hell (big wide butt, skinny legs) we started calling her Panty Shields behind her back.
Muffy is my name for little rich princess-type girls whose mommies drive Bwana-mobiles (SUVs, Suburbans, Jeeps, etc.). The male equivalent of the rich 'n' preppie is Biff. I made up Muffy, but I got the Biff term from David Duchovny, Agent Mulder of the X-Files [an American television program] who stated that when he went to Princeton [a university in the U.S.A.] he saw a higher level of Biff-dom than he ever knew existed.
A few nights ago I was livin' large [what a great American expression!; I'd never heard it before!] - went to see the intellectual Jerry Springer movie [!], and was craving marshmallow peanuts (I call them foam-packing peanuts) and I thought, "Damn! I am craving this crappy junk food - must be PMS." And the next day the period started. Hmm . . . this should go next to stuff about chocolate cravings.
Kevin, a 19-year-old college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local K-Mart [a discount department store]. Kevin fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office.
The manager is the typical K-Mart employee - skinny, glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart.
He says, "Kevin, do you think you have what it takes to work at the 'Big K'?"
Kevin laughs to himself, thinking, "What an asshole!" But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely."
The manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities?"
Again, Kevin laughs to himself, "Is this fucking guy serious?" But again he says, "Absolutely."
"Well, let me show you how it's done," says the manager. The manager leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer.
The first guy to come along drops a 50-pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there."
"Yup," responds the customer.
The manager winks at Kevin and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"
Kevin actually sees the light bulb go off over the customer's head.
"Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.
"Ya see, Kev, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?"
"Hell, yeah!" says Kevin. "Just watch."
Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter.
Kevin looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer. "That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Kevin.
The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup."
A moment of silence passes and then Kevin blurts out, "Would you be interested in buying a new lawn mower?"
The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the fuck would I want a lawn mower for?"
Kevin winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your fucking lawn!"
This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened.
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake).
One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins [menstrual napkins] in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner.
Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.
My mother asked me why I used these and of course my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!"
I'm writing in reference to the Brazilian joke on your Web site, the one where the salesman made the $300,000 sale to the gentleman who came in to buy tampons for his wife because "Your weekend is shot."
Unless I'm really misunderstanding this joke, I believe it to mean that since the man's wife is menstruating, the couple won't be having sexual relations; therefore, the man may as well go fishing. My take is that most American women won't allow sex while menstruating, my wife being one of those. So, to me, the joke makes perfect sense.
A former sailor, knowing that ships are addressed as "she" and "her," wondered what gender should apply to computers.
To answer that question, he surveyed two groups of computer experts, one group comprised of men, the other of women. He asked each of the two groups to judge whether computers should be considered and referred to as male or female, and to give four reasons to justify its finding.
The group of women found that computers should be considered male because
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but remain clueless.
3. They are designed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The group of men found that computers should be considered female because
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. They store in long-term memory -- for later retrieval -- even your smallest mistakes.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
A man was walking along a beach and found a strange-looking oil lamp.
Of course he rubbed it and out popped a genie.
"I'm tired of this wish stuff - you're the tenth person today! - so I will grant you only one wish," grumbled the genie.
The man loved to go to Hawaii on vacation, but hated flying or taking a boat.
"How about making a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can drive across!"
"Are you CRAZY?!" screamed the genie. "How do you think I can get pilings thousands of feet down and then pound them into the ocean floor? Think of the storms and ships crashing into it! Make not such a stupid wish!"
The sobered man pondered a while.
"OK! I've got it! I've always been puzzled by women. I want to know what motivates them, what the key to their hearts is. Why do they snub me one second and the next one we're in bed? What do those long silences mean? What pleases and displeases them?"
"Uh, will that be two lanes or four?"
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
Hi! I have the English version of the Portuguese [Brazilian] joke. I'd immediately thought of posting it as soon as I saw the joke page and see if I still have a chance:
A country boy goes to the big city to get a job. He gets a job as a salesman at a super/mega store. At the end of his first day, his manager asked him how the first day went.
Manager: How many sales did you make?
Country Boy: Only one.
Mgr: Only one? What's the problem?
CB: But it was for $300,000.
Mgr: That's fantastic! I've never heard of anything like that!!! How'd you do it?
CB: Well, this guy came in and we were looking at fish hooks. He wanted a small one, but I talked him into buying a bigger one. And since he got a bigger hook, he needed a bigger fishing pole. And if he was going to get a bigger fishing pole for some serious fishing, I told him he might as well buy a fishing boat. He said he'd like to, but his car wasn't big enough to haul a fishing boat, so I sold him a bigger car! All in all, the sale was $300,000.
Mgr: WOW! I can't believe it! All because he wanted a fishhook?
CB: Well, no. Actually he'd come in to buy his wife a box of tampons. I told him, "Well, your weekend is shot . . . you might as well go fishing!"
What do tampons and the Washington Redskins [football team] have in common?
They're only good for one period and they don't have a second string.
A woman is a work of art,
She has been from the very start,
She cares for all that hover round her,
She is indeed a bleeding heart.
Her breasts, her nipples and her navel,
Her hair, her smile, her lips, her eyes,
All that men desire,
And that which lies between her thighs.
There's a certain sensitivity that she does possess,
I will tell you of it soon,
But for now I'll let you guess.
Those certain times, those periods of her life,
When she suffers anxiousness,
When she suffers strife.
It's those times one cannot reason with her,
It's those times that man must stay away,
It's those times he must have patience,
And come another day to play.
I think by now you know,
When she's suffering from frustration,
Yes, you guessed it,
It happens every month,
While she's waiting for menstruation.
What do you do if your Kotex is on fire?
You tampon it.
["Meant to be said in a lisping sort of way, to imply stamping (stomping) on it," says our contributor.]
I've been a cartoonist for about 20 years. It was tough to break in when I was starting out as it was a largely male field, but my work began to appear in underground and alternative publications.
To reach a wider audience, I started my T-shirt business, the Strip T's Design Company, in 1984. I began printing my cartoons onto T-shirts, and taking them to craft shows. Women loved them. And as my work became recognized in the textile industry, oddly enough, it also began to be published in places like Glamour [magazine] and licensed to card and calendar companies.
I also have two books in print, Men!Ha! and Caffeinated Cartoons.
I signed a syndication contract with Chronicle Features in 1995 and am now syndicated with Universal Press Syndicate. My daily panel, Fair Game, appears in newspapers around the country, and can be seen daily on the Universal Web site: www.uexpress.com
Anyone interested in a T-shirt catalog can contact me at: Strip T's, P.O. Box 605, Farmington, NH 03835
That's about it! I can't wait to see my things become part of the Museum of Menstruation!
Copyright 1996 Stephanie Piro
Copyright 1996 Stephanie Piro
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing; they were both stuck-up cunts.
A man came across an old lamp one day while scavenging. As he was rubbing it to get the dust off a magic genie popped out. And of course as the legend goes he was granted three wishes.
1) He was given a complete makeover because the man asked to be eternally youthful and handsome.
2) He was given a mountain of gold because he asked to be made very, very wealthy.
3) And, alas, he was turned into a giant tampon because he asked to always be between the legs of a beautiful woman!
[Keep the first two items in the joke above.]
3) Very satisfied with the granting of the first two requests, the man was happy, but hungry.
"Could you make me a ham sandwich?" he asked the genie.
And so the genie turned him into a ham sandwich.